In a normal year, assorted politicians, hacks and political nerds would take the coming of autumn chills as a sign heralding the start of party conference season. 2020 being 2020 means even the political elites aren’t allowed their fun, unless you enjoy road-based eye tests of course or visiting your second home. So this year, conference has gone digital.
In previous years the political classes traipse out of London, round up assorted union & party members from the Shires and cities and descend on poor Birmingham, Glasgow, Manchester, Cardiff, Liverpool or Brighton. The attendees pack into seminar rooms and venue halls to hear their favourite politician or a lucky corporate sponsor. The locals meanwhile grab a placard and protest outside against the proposed local bypass, wind farm, incinerator or incarceration of ‘the wrongly accused seven’. Alternatively they are caught by predatory journalists and forced to utter enlightened ‘reactions’ such as, “the Tories are in town? Never did like that Tony Blair”.
In the evenings everyone lets their hair down. Up and coming bloggers try and sidle up to Laura Kuensburg in Pizza Express. Young activists or recently elected county councilors try and ‘network’ with the party stars. Backbench MPs try and find the hottest party in town: karaoke with Emily Thornberry, billiards with Rees-Mogg, a ceilidh with Nicola Sturgeon or sliding into a gimp suit/threading daisy chains with whoever is left in the Lib Dems.
Alas, not this year. This year the fun and games and political melodrama must be had from home or some other socially distanced venue which ticks the spin doctor’s box. CSI Starmmer found a red wall to stand in front of, in case his electoral intent wasn’t clear from his speech. And an interesting speech it was too. Parliament watchers are used to seeing CSI Starmmer unleash forensic deconstructions of the government’s tightest excuses. But with the disillusioned voters in Bolsover, Dudley and Wakefield squarely in his sights this was light in policy, heavy in values. Labour is no longer the Cuban revolutionaries of Corbyn determined to give the working classes a modest increase in wages and nationalising the energy sector… WE ARE BRITISH.
Hmmm as I said, interesting. Interesting: adj. Word which British people use to hide their real reaction. But can CSI Starmmer win a battle of patriotism against the Prime Minister? Boris couldn't be more patriotic: his hair is white, his face is red and his veins are blue. And he was born in America and who else is more patriotic than the Americans?
Labour isn’t Boris’s only problem. Political rivalries have emerged much closer to home, Number 11 to be precise. The Chancellor, Rishi Sunak is the only government minister with positive ratings in public perception surveys and he receives consistently good newspaper headlines. Poor Emperor Boris, who really thought he would be beloved by the people, must be groaning ‘Et tu Sunak?” which is a joke on the famous Latin phrase, “Et tu Michael Gove?”.
Meanwhile, students have been forced into a lockdown inside student halls they were told they must move in to. New restrictions have been introduced to cover pubs and restaurants and a national shut down is back on the cards. The government has been forced to take drastic measures. The National Security Council ordered a new series of the Great British Bake Off. The concern being that after a tough year if the public didn’t get some victoria sponge style feeling of goodness there’d be riots. So no, in these COVID-ly turbulent times, we can’t have our cake and eat it. But we can watch a bunch of strangers in a tent bake against each other in the closest the UK gets to the gladiators of Ancient Rome. For now it’ll have to do.
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