Haven't you heard? WE ARE AT WAR!
Fighting against a microscopic enemy hiding within society. Politicians, newspapers and the twittering classes are doing their bit for the country by talking up war rhetoric and bravely using military metaphors where there is absolutely no need for them. Hand sanitiser is the new cover, gloves are the new Kevlar, gas masks are replaced with, well other sorts of masks and breathing equipment. Turns out breathing is pretty important wherever you are.
Not since the people updated their 'emotional status' to 'feelings of terror' and people took some drugs has the need for speeches, headlines and news bulletins to declare unnecessary conflict based slogans felt so great. Using healthcare and public health information to fight a medical illness just isn't enough. The war on appropriate language must be total. Careless talk has consequences and everyone must play their part.
Somewhere in Essex, Mark Francois MP is doing his bit by sandbagging his house and fixing bayonets to his hand sanitiser.
Our American cousins are protesting health measures with automatic weapons... though of course they have turned up late.
And the Times newspaper has sent their War Correspondent, Mr Doug Trench CBE to the front lines...
He finds himself hunkered down surrounded by potentially lethal pathogens at a Tesco in Chippenham. The hero of the hour is deputy store manager, Trev, who in a feat of sheer tactical brilliance has laid out a new queuing system with some duct tape. "You're the bloody hero of the hour Sergeant Trev" splutters the gushing reporter. "I s'pose" comes the shrugged reply. Such British defiance! "This will keep the enemy at bay won't it?" yells the worked up correspondent, slapping the nation's finest on the back. "Keep the what at bay?" Trev asks but we know what he does for his country. And yet the war has changed us all. Who knew that these lowly soldiers on the front lines of food production would be so key to our survival? Just like those nurses, doctors and the cleaners disinfecting our buildings from the deadly virus. Like Doug, we will never forget this vital new role they play in keeping the nation fed and healthy.
But have we gone far enough they will soon ask? Yes, we need to declare war on corona-virus rather than talking about 'public health' and 'science' but is there more we could do to ensure final victory over this foe? Do we need to start talking about leadership? Perhaps we need to mention Churchill (we only wish for Diana in peacetime). What would Winston do (that say, picking a hypothetical example out of thin air) his biographer might not be doing?
Military metaphors just aren't going to cut it, we need a Winston Churchill comparison!
And what else? We need an address to the nation from Her Majesty the Queen. We must mutter disapprovingly about those Germans! And, and, and a bleedin' Lord Kitchener poster whilst we are it.
Yes, that's it. People of Britain, your country needs you!
GO TO WAR. PROTECT THE NHS
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