When else has this country stood together against a tenacious foe? When else has neighbour stood by neighbour in defiance of those who would oppress them? No not VE Day but last week when the whole country was unified together, flying flags and having unsanctioned street parties, all to commemorate the spectacular self destruction of the government's lockdown advice.
The move on from Staying Home, Protecting the NHS and Saving Lives brought everyone together in bafflement, confusion and an industrial revolution in witty memes and gags at the government's expense. Staying Alert to the possibility of either a change in regulatory guidelines or a mild trip up, millions had gathered to watch the Prime Minister's recorded message to the nation. There was nervous apprehension as Boris began his address.
Then,
slowly,
a deep rumble could be heard.
Growing louder and louder, like a pork pie rolling down a snow covered mountain.
Confusion, anger and raised eyebrows across the living rooms, lounges and commuter journeys of Britain... until.... the cacophony became clear:
hahahahahahahahahaahhhahahahahah - pause - ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha - no wait seriously - hahaha - is he serious? hahahaha - wait you serious bruv?
And he was...
The twitterati leapt into the breach first as they always do, what did Staying Alert mean? Owen Jones went viral in less time than a pre-Castro Pontiac does 0-60mph. The public then joined the professionals and Jones was quickly outclassed by @Bethbabes96 in Billericay's meme of Boris's face on top of Captain Mannering's shoulders. @ScunthorpeDoug's karaoke hollering of Stayin' Alert to the tune of the Begee's classic surpassed this again. Primary schools classes were quick to point out that adding a rate of re-infection of 0.9 to total infections of around 200,000 was not going to equals a number between 1 and 5. Meanwhile Rachel Riley dived across the room for the nearest gin bottle.
The politicians were next. CSI Starmmer had an uphill struggle. He had been expecting to make a forensic deconstruction of the government's numbers on the amount of PPE in Huddersfield. Instead he walked in on a massacre of consistent messaging. Arterial bullshit was sprayed across the walls and liquid incompetence dripping off the ceiling. "I was going to have a polite, mild mannered conversation about how your statistics could be misinterpreted." he yelled across the deserted green benches of the House of Commons, "but you've balls it all up. Do i do the messaging, the colour change, the maths? What the fuck do you want from me?" Boris merely stared blankly at him. "I can't be a constructive opposition like this. I'll have to get bloody Jeremy back". Which was unnerving because Corbyn was sat behind him.
Elsewhere, numerous dependable champions abandoned the government's exploding ship. Government scientists distanced themselves from the guidelines, the Financial Times suggested we might have to go eco-friendly and Dominic Raab urged radio 4 listeners to ignore government advice and encouraged them all to go and visit Boris Johnson's family as long as we didn't count them or hire them as cleaners.
In entertainment news, Satan declared that Piers Morgan was no longer invited to his summer lava party after repeatedly engaging in something that critics are calling "journalism" and "scrutiny of the government".
Even Conservative MP, Mark Francois managed a practical joke at the government's expense. Jumping out of the bushes by the garden path to test the postwoman. "Stay Alert" he yelled as letters went everywhere, "careless talk costs lives".
Unnamed government sources suggest that they are hoping the rate of new mockery to start falling from mid-June and the laughter curve will flatten by the end of July as long as there is not another spike in stupidity from the government. Until then, they warned that the public would be sniggering at them quite a lot...
Personally I didn't think it was that bad... but what do i know. I'm just a satirist
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