The purpose of government is to create policies which hopefully make life easier for the population which they govern. Sometimes these policies are unpopular in which case the government makes speeches, writes articles and gives interviews to defend the policies. With the saga of Dominic Cumming's tour of the North a new model of politics has emerged: creating policy to defend the government...
It all began when Cummings drove a cow with bowel problems and an industrial fan up to Durham and then on to a beauty spot at Barnard Castle. This was despite him being the architect of the government's 'Stay at Home> Don't transport diarrhea-suffering cattle and heavy duty airflow technology > Save Lives' slogan.
At first there was the familiar story: politician looks like they've done something stupid, someone calls for their resignation, they give an explanation and everyone who likes them defends them in the hope it all goes away. But then the crafty bastards at the Mirror and Guardian decided to provide evidence that the explanations might have been, well, bullshit.
And then, said bull shit and those fans that Mr Cummings had been transporting collided in spectacular fashion. Surely he was going to resign now?
No came the answer and don't call me Shirley.
But a normal defence wasn't going to be enough, sure the Torries could just tell everyone he had acted properly but the people were not buying it. Even worse they were doing the unthinkable, writing to their MPs and demanding answers!
Something special was going to be needed to defend Dom. Then someone (was it Dom?) came up with a brilliant idea. What if we change policy so that Dom is always in the right, even if he wasn't?
Matt Hancock was up first. "Yes of course we'll look into reviewing all fines imposed under the lockdown laws". That's right, rather than sack one senior adviser for a rule breaking trip to a beauty spot, a cabinet minister was willing to change how the law was enforced for everyone, undoing probably the only thing the government has got right in it's response to COVID-19.
Next came Michael Gove, who being an ambitious fellow, tried to outdo Hancock by claiming that to test his eyesight he regularly gets in statistically the most lethal type of machine in the country and drive it around. Ooops i've just hit a pensioner, i guess i'll book myself an eye test. He was half way through the sentence when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and the man who stabbed Boris's first leadership attempt in the back thought, "nah this is low even for me".
While a large number of Conservative MPs have rightly expressed concerns at this approach or even called for Cummings to get going, there are fears that changing policy to defend the government might catch on. Mark Francois MP has been toying with idea of invading Germany just to make Boris look more Churchillian. [At this point I genuinely checked to see if Mark Francois was one of the 40+ Tory MP's who have criticised Cummings' behaviour, a quick google suggests he is not. This is what you get Francois, a joker who no-one's heard of and has only ten facebook likes cracking whimsy at your expense. HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT?!]
Hancock and Gove may have been recent advocates of the 'change policy to defend the government approach' but it is possible they were inspired by early pioneers. Andy Coulson is thought to have suggested changing licensing laws so David Cameron could leave his daughter at the pub again.
The Institute of Government is concerned that this could set a dangerous precedent for future governments. CSI Starmmer could reform the House of Commons to be more like a court room, giving him an unfair advantage at Prime Minister's Questions. And the Lib Dems could spend tax payer's money on testing and tracing Lib Dem MPs, just so the public remember they still exist.
It's hoped that this move is just a one off, but with Cummings not expected to leave his job for another 6 months, there is a long bullshit covered road ahead. A bit like the one to Barnard Castle
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