So you’re a politician who has found themselves squelched knee deep in scandal. Your reputation has been exposed in public, smelling of cheap cognac and draped in a particularly saucy lace. Your patented Sleazeometer is burnt out and seeping a tweed-green type of grease. But don’t worry. Help is at hand. Come into this calming space, recline on the couch, help yourself to grapes and let Westminster Rise guide you through our political reputation rehabilitation plan.
Many of our clients have suffered difficult psychological challenges and need our carefully designed support. Their mental health is fine but the politicians that come to us find that members of the public mentally associate them with sleaze, corruption, immorality or just basic lies. Westminster Rise is proud to support the political rehabilitation of these poor souls.
There are a range of treatments and balms to soothe your appearance in the consciousness of the electorate. First off it’s worth checking whether you really are as bad as they say. We find a quick comparison with the Nazis helps. Are you as bad as Hitler? No well then perhaps your remarks about single mums shouldn’t lead to your career being cancelled by wokists. You just need some reassurance to say it’s ok to say what you think. Because if it’s one thing that politicians lack, it’s self confidence and a platform.
We were happy to help Tommy. Tommy was a firebrand unionist and preacher going from success to success as an up and coming politician. That was until his dreams of becoming the youngest leader of the Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) were dashed by discovery of him at a private club in Soho with two naked men of a different Christian persuasion and a vat of class A olive oil. This didn’t go down well among the chattering classes of East Belfast. We helped Tommy by pointing out that it wasn’t a sin to engage in consenting acts with other men nor was it a sin to meet Catholic priests, be they in Soho or anywhere else. Tommy is now a Liberal Democrat town councillor in Bath.
If the public are still unsure that hiring your mistress for a taxpayer funded job is ok then why not try a course of appearances on Sunday morning talk shows. With Andrew Marr moving on, perhaps try Sophies Raworth or Ridge. Sure, the public will still probably despise you but they are still wearing slippers so they will despise you with less vitriol than if it was a Thursday night question time appearance. You could even go the extra mile and do a Matt Hancock, with back to back interviews with Peston then cuddly Holy and Phil on Good Morning Britain. I’ve forgotten what he did so wrong already.
Maybe scandal is not your problem. Maybe you’re really, really boring. Once an outstanding transport minister now the human equivalent of a select committee hearing on heat pump taxation. Cleansing your reputation of class A drugs isn’t the problem because you’ve never taken any. Instead even your decent political reforms are forgotten just as you are. “Didn’t he used to be one of the experts on antiques roadshow?” asks the focus group. But no that’s not you at all. That was somebody else completely. What you need now is a spark, an audience and a platform with pzaz. We could have you cook up a reputational storm on Celebrity Masterchef. Or if you are prepared to call your party leader a prick we can get you on late night channel 4 political comedy shows. If you were once a senior Cabinet Minister we might even get you to tango your way back into the limelight on Strictly Come Dancing. And you never know, maybe, just maybe, there’s a publisher, two sherry’s down and in a charitable mood watching it thinking ‘yeah I could offer a book deal for this lovable muppet’.
More advanced treatments include a full length documentary series as we have orchestrated with the Blair and Brown documentary on the BBC. This includes ‘shock therapy’ where the electorate is so shocked by the dysfunction, corruption and chaos of the current government that it longs for the return of New Labour. Gordon Brown looks like a stable economic visionary when next to eat out to help out Rishi. Tony Blair looks like a real statesman when you hear that Dominic Rabb was on a beach with his phone off while the Taliban took Kabul. Even Peter Mandelson and Alastair Campbell’s reputations can be rehabilitated with the shock image of Dominic Cummings. Roll out the knighthoods now!
As well as the distance of time you may also need to consider making your own distance from decisions that you’ve helped to take. A bit like Boris Johnson blaming others for Brexit problems. It was obviously all Brussels’, Macron’s, Theresa May’s,Peppa Pig’s fault. Not the referendum campaign champion, former Foreign Secretary or Prime Minister’s. Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak are currently at it. Making little points of distance between them and Boris for the day when the man-child at number ten’s days at Downing Street are over. “While some have pushed for an omicron busting lockdown Sunak and Truss are believed to have been sceptical of the idea”... endearing themselves to the freedom loving libertarian wing of the party ready for the leadership election. Then they will turn to the electorate and say that it was past Conservative governments who are the problem not them. And they’ll do it with a smile.
Whatever your ailment, from a crooked conscience to a bland personality there is always a way to re-rise in Westminster…
“Yes i’ll take the call, who is it?... It’s Prince Andrew?.. Tell him i’m not in.”
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