Distraught by Boris Johnson’s parties, lies, failures or confusing number of children? Well this hefty lump of political beast can only be defeated by falling on his own sword (unlikely) or through the mystic eye of Graham Brady’s letterbox. With this most sought after of magic powers what must it be like to be Graham Brady’s letterbox?
But first, what is a Graham Brady? Well it’s not a type of disappointing regional biscuit but instead a Member of Parliament. The 1922 committee is a powerful group of backbench Conservative MPs, named after the year Jacob Rees Mogg wishes it was. Sir Graham Brady MP is its Chair.
Conservative MPs are one of the leading causes of death for Conservative premierships. Eventually after having their wicked way with the country for several years their own MPs turn on them. After a few scandals, the tired old PMs are no longer an electoral asset and now they're having funny thoughts on Europe. Like a praying mantis consuming it's lover or a mafia lieutenant offing the don, the circling MPs destroy their leader with no mercy.
While your average Cabinet Minister can be slain with a metaphorical knife in the back from their best friend, not even silver bullets or garlic can kill the leader of the Conservative Party. Only letters to Graham Brady from Tory MPs can oust this creature from its lair at No 10 Downing Street. 15% of Tory MPs must send these motions of no confidence in to trigger a vote on the dear leader’s future.
And so Graham Brady’s letter box waits. It sits there mouth open like a wolf waiting in ambush for the stumbling fawn. It waits for as long as it takes. Maybe it’s a popular PM and no letters come the hungry letter box’s way for a year or more. Then one day a tasty morsel of discontent. A disgruntled former Minister sacked for a data breach or a falling out with their government over veterans affairs ramms their revenge into the letterbox. And then nothing. The letterbox waits some more, surviving on a putrid diet of hate mail and complaints about the buses like every other parliamentary pigeon hole.
But what’s this? An invitation. A party invitation.
A Christmas party, a lockdown has started party, a leaving party, a Queen is mourning the death of her husband party. Not just one but several. But during a global pandemic is not the best time for a party. This is what Conservatives call ‘really not on’ and everyone else calls ‘illegal’. Theresa May failed to get Brexit done and in came the letters. Now Johnson sips on champagne and pisses all over his own guidance while a thousand people die.
And thus come the letters to the eager letter box of Mr Graham Brady.
Brady knows which letters come from Conservative MPs because the Queen's head has been licked way too much.
Some are rants. Some are just one line and a signature. The letterbox doesn’t care. It swallows the letters all the same.
And now it’s got your attention too. Twitter, whatsApp and the House of Commons tea room are rife with gossip and rumour as to which MPs have slipped their letters in. Political journalists camp outside in little tents to try and catch a rebellious MP creeping to deposit their seditious mail. No letter box gets this much attention. Even the Olympic gold medal post boxes are jealous.
With all the attention and the scheming, conniving and scorn pouring past its lips, it is only a matter of time before Graham Brady’s letterbox gains political ambitions of its own. One day Graham Brady’s letterbox may itself run for the Conservative party leadership. After a pillow talk with the usb that uploaded Skynet, it will dream up a dastardly plan. The only thing that can stop a leader of the Tory party’s sacking is a blocked Graham Brady’s letter box, so if it becomes leader then it can stop anyone getting letters to Sir Graham for itself. The letterbox will smile a wicked smile as it remembers it also stopped those spare fax machine parts getting through. There will be no stopping it. Thirsty for a dynamic personality, the Tories embrace the letterbox and it easily beats Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss. The public too will be tired of Boris and Starmer and miraculously the letterbox begins its reign with decent poll numbers. It’s leadership reign will be at first benevolent. But as time wears on it will become more unhinged, continuously privatising and nationalising the postal service like Vince Cable on acid. Meanwhile Sir Graham will be in his office oblivious to the bills, postcards of Cornwall and Chinese spies trying to reach him. It is not long before Graham Brady’s letterbox sacks an impartial adjudicator of an investigation into a non-declared party donation and the first MP scribbles its declaration of distaste to the eminent Chair of the 1922 Committee. But the letterbox is there to stop it. And so it’s regime of postal confusion continues.
That is the fate of Britain, to be governed by an angry letterbox unless the Conservatives can come up with some more democratic constitutional arrangement for leadership selection, Labour finally triumphs against a party run by a letterbox (don’t count on it) or the Tories finally turn to email…
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