Now from Scavenger Bird of Satire, a special double episode. Is that government competence staying at the Heathrow Premier Inn? Can Lenny Henry save the day? And will CSI Starmer finally get down on one knee and propose…. some policies?
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Part one
If you’re feeling down about the grey weather and prospects of ages more in lockdown then spare a thought for those passengers just dipping beneath the cloud to land at Heathrow or Luton. The local temperature is a cool 7 degrees, the political outlook foggy and government decision making has a cruising speed of 4mph.
For incoming passengers, the UK has introduced a new red list and quarantine system to try and stop the spread of covid variants from other countries. There will be anxiety for anyone on the red list. No, not a list of MPs deemed ‘a bit too lefty’ for the current Labour leadership. The red list comprises 33 countries, travellers from which will have to be quarantined at hotels near the airport they land at.
Passengers coming through border security are still treated to Priti Patel’s voice over the tannoy, ‘If you are legally entitled to enter this country you are more than welcome but if you should wish to turn around and not enter then you will be making the Home Office very happy and may avoid us deporting you anyway”.
It gets worse as anyone passing through the departure lounge can no longer pop in for a 6am round of lagers and jager bombs at the airport weatherspoons. However, the boss of the pub chain, Tim Martin has urged government to open pubs at the same time as shops, pointing to stringent COVID-19 safety measures. He is unfortunately contradicted by a recent study in Scotland which found that surprisingly drunk people in a noisy environment may not be the best at adhering to restrictions such as social distancing, washing your hands frequently (looking at you tall bloke just finished at the urinal) and not spitting everywhere as you loudly tell the story of how you once went trout fishing with Danny Dyer. I will not cast judgement, but simply let you decide whether to trust the Institute for Social Marketing and Health or Tim Martin, a man who stole TARDIS technology so he could be the ranting bloke at the end of every bar in the country at the same time!
Once they get to their hotels, travellers from red list countries must be isolated from everyone with the exception of journalists asking them about ‘their experience’ or Matt Hancock asking sincerely about their mental health while posing for a photo op. For £1,750 the deluxe package includes a double room, mandatory room service, free WiFi and complimentary G4S security. Suites are also fitted with a compulsory 'Do not disturb' sign. If the government really cared about the mental health of arrivals trapped in hotels it would requisition Lenny Henry and send him round in a hazmat suit to tell jokes. Now that would be premier service.
Overall this is a sensible policy move by the government in order to slow the number of new variant cases getting into the country. However, it’s a shame the stable door has been shut a year after horses started bolting through arrivals spreading covid everywhere.
Part two
Once passengers have cleared quarantine what sort of Britain do they find themselves in?
Still in lockdown but with pressure mounting to explain the road map out. Critics are urging the government to let children back to school and re-open businesses. The Daily Mail urged Boris to ‘take the breaks off’ opening up lockdown. Like all cold blooded creatures, Daily Mail editors hibernate over winter and therefore missed the images of the NHS on its knees and over a thousand UK citizens dying every day. All partially due to coming out of earlier lockdowns too early.
Meanwhile the Education Secretary has announced measures to protect free speech on (currently closed?) University campuses. Gavin Williamson is of course a fan of free speech having been sacked as Defence Secretary for freely speaking about the National Security Council to journalists. The new free speech champion will be tasked with looking into academic sackings and no platforming with new legislation backed responsibilities for unis and student unions to uphold free speech. It will be interesting to see how far this goes. Will unions be allowed to deny a platform to racists or will the Oxford University Union's 2007 decision to try and host Nick Griffin be not a controversial one off but something all unions are required to do. Presumably proponents of the government's scheme believe if you can rationally beat a racist in a debate then they'll just go away. A tactic that has so famously worked with Donald Trump.
And who’s this? post-patriotism strategy, sashaying into the Labour cocktail party in a tux with a mysterious glint in their eye? The name’s Bond, British Recovery Bond. Yes, an actual policy from CSI Starmer. So good at forensically deconstructing the government’s arguments we are finally getting some details on what a Starmer government might do. The Bond isn’t particularly groundbreaking, a Quantum of Solace-equivalent suggestion to give Brits a chance to invest in the economic recovery post-covid. But well it’s a start.
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