Yes, reforming the rules around planning permission for new houses. Exciting stuff! Will there be sex? action? stunts? No. But butter-me-popcorn we do have a bi-election upset in the home counties and some sordid conflicts of interest. There are many ways to try and make rather dry political comings and goings attract the interest that their significant impact deserves. This blog normally throws around witticism and amateur photo-shopping to do the job. Planning reform, however, is so tinder-dry (the firelighter not the hook up app) that only a complete Hollywood makeover will suffice. So hold onto your Cokes (before Ronaldo moves them) and brace yourself for action, explosions and drama(-based metaphors). Here comes planning reviews in an epic trilogy of mammoth proportions.
Planning Reform: A forgotten dawn
A long time ago in a government far, far away…
PLANNING REFORM
The Galactic Chancellor, George Osborne (remember him? Sickly looking chap, allergic to sunlight, garlic and adequately resourced libraries), has angered local star systems with his bold reforms to speed up house building. His proposals included a zonal system giving almost automatic planning permission for brownfield sites and greater powers for councils to use derelict land. But an alliance of environmentalists, localists and leafy shire Torys, known as the Nimbys are in open rebellion against the Chancellor. Will the Chancellor prevail? Will the Nimbys defeat his death stare? Will a small band of housing charities led by Darth Revan (let’s see if we have any real star wars nerds?) succeed in ensuring that more housing is built but it is affordable and decent quality?....
PR 2: Safe as Houses
The politician and the ex-porn baron plot to sneak a development through on the sly. Yes! This is what we are after. Scandal! Excitement! Directed by Guy Ritchie. Featuring The Bank Job’s Daniel Mays as Robert ‘quick nod’ Jenrick and Lock Stock’s Nick Moran as Daily Express owner, Richard ‘Dirty’ Desmond. From the glitzy ballroom of a party fundraiser, Quick Nod and Dirty Desmond shake hands on a dodgy deal to get Dirty’s £1billion Isle of Dogs property development past the local authorities. ‘Nah problem’ says Quick Nod Jenrick. ‘I know just the planning minister to nod that through… he’s me!’ More champagne to follow and less affordable housing requirements to follow that. All we need now is some soft jazz in the background and a little donation to the Conservative Party. Now that’s Safe as Houses.
Planning Reform 3: Bird of Liberty Rising!
War among the privet! The expeditionary property developers have launched an offensive against re-mobilised bands of environmentalists, local democrats and the curtain twitching middle classes of the southern shires. They fight apartment renovation by apartment renovation, retail complex by retail complex. As the battle heats up, the zone-based planning reforms trundle over the grim horizon. Locally accountable, case-by-case decisions are right in their path, destined to be crushed. More powerful than ever, the zone system war machine is set to roll across the green fields of England. If the government gets their way, all land will be declared ‘protected’, ‘for renewal’ or ‘for growth’. Or as they describe it in the trenches, ‘don’t upset Carrie’, ‘Tory target at the next election’ and ‘kerching!’
But all is not lost for the plan’s opponents. Lieutenant Ed Davy, their unlikely hero of the hour, has a cunning plan. Lib Dems and even Labour and the Greens think they have spied a weakness in the ‘blue wall’ or more accurately the ‘blue hedge’ of eternally voting Tory villages, market towns and leafy suburbs. The light cavalry of the Lib Dems have won in Chesham and Amersham! Yes they lost the 2016 Battle of Brussels. But now, all along the front, cracks are appearing in their enemies’ defences: discontent over these planning reforms, British beef-undercutting trade deals with Australia and maybe even HS2. Operation Bird of Liberty is a go.
Forward the Lib Dem armoured division’s ride-on lawn mower!
Forward through the Conservative heartlands!
FORWARD TO VICTORY!!!!......?
Starring: Scavenger Bird of Satire
Directed by: Scavenger Bird of Satire
Casting: Scavenger Bird of Location
Make up and feathers: Scavenger Bird of Satire
Film Caw: Scavenger Bird of Satire
…..
Post credits scene:
Dominic Cummings…. Cackling…. Dressed as Loki!
ENDS
