Introducing our new sponsor: The Sleazeometer!

 

From the makers of Priti-stick career glue, introducing Scavenger Bird of Satire’s new sponsor the patent-pending, Paterson-populated “Sleazeometer”!

Utilising research by the Grange Hill school of advanced political studies the Sleazeometer measures precisely the level of sleaze and corruption within the target political party. Technology provided by Dominic Cumming’s Advanced Research and Invention Agency include a single glazed glass screen and a pointy arrow.

The Sleazeometer has a unique grading system from ‘an honest mistake gov’ to ‘fantastically corrupt’. Simply feed your data in one end and await the result. 

Advanced testing results speak for themselves:

You have a government that has just forced its MPs to vote to tear up the scrutiny of ethical standards system just to protect one MP. The MP in question is best pals with the Chief Whip and the Leader of the House. The same MP is found to have lobbied Ministers for a company that was paying him. The Sleazeometer says… “Definitely Not the People’s Priorities!”

You initiate lockdown rules and then break them to sleep with your adviser who you have also given a taxpayer funded job to without declaring it. The Sleazeometer says… “That’s just not cricket (the Yorkshire kind or otherwise).”

A special VIP lane for non-competitive procurement gives multi-million pound contracts to a Minister’s favourite pub landlord and a broker who sells dog food. The Sleazeometer says… “these greasy palms have made a right dog’s dinner out of all of this”...

One of your MPs is found guilty of harassment including threatening to throw acid in someone’s face. Your party suspends the MP’s membership! The Sleazeometer says “Yeah, on balance suspension is probably the right course of action”...   …

So when Nigerian princes start calling the public asking if they want to donate to he Conservative Party, you know you need the Sleazeometer!

Available from any good sales broker, registered in a tax haven or married to a local councillor. Prices range from £49.99 to £49million.

Does this all sound very dodgy? Now you can be sure with the Sleazeometer!

Endorsements: 

“Sound’s great mate” 

The twitter account that asks if Professor John Curtice is on tv or not

“That’s lovely dear”

Mrs Scavenger Bird of Satire

“I would be happy to endorse this product to Ministers as soon as you’ve paid my invoice”

Mr O Paterson

Episode XXVIII: What if? Matt Hancock did go to Africa

Time, space, reality is more than a linear path. It's a prism of endless possibilities where a single choice can branch out into infinite omnishambles. I am The Writer, I cannot intervene (because no one pays attention to this blog) but I will be your guide on this Marvel/Matt Hancock pisstake as we ponder the question What If?....

Matt Hancock, the former UK ill-Health Secretary is appointed Special Envoy for the United Nations Economic Commission for Africa (UNECA). In one universe Hancock's appointment, on the same day as a parliamentary report concluded that thousands had died because of government failings under his watch, was met with a wave of criticism. The UNECA withdraws his appointment within days. Hancock's diplomatic dreams disappear like quicksilver.

But in another universe a different reality unfolds. Behind the scenes an ambassador of the mysterious country of Wakanda is hard at work. The hawk-eyed diplomat is concerned that if one of the architects of the UK's appalling Covid response is given another position of responsibility involving a deadly pandemic the consequences for humanity would be catastrophic. The Ambassador convinces fellow African leaders of her bold vision to accept Hancock's new ‘special envoy’ role so he can roll around Africa insulting everyone with his incompetence but not actually being in charge of anything.

“How hard could economic promotion for the whole of Africa be?” thought Matt, “I can easily fit that around my British MP duties”. The media fallout from telling everyone to lockdown then breaking said lock down to have an affair hadn’t quite gone away and he arrived on the continent as popular as the collector for the British Museum. His first stop was an interview for a Nigerian tv talk show. Matt tried to break the ice with a little joke about Boris’s use of the term ‘bongo bongo land’ but bringing this all up again didn’t seem to be that popular. He almost choked when he found out that the show went out to 12 million people. He’d assumed it would just be 12.

The new Special Envoy’s trip to Nairobi didn’t go much better as he proceeded to mansplain text banking to a member of the Kenyan Chamber of Commerce. Hapless Hancock quickly found out from her that in fact text banking was used by most Kenyans and didn’t need explaining to anyone in the room. 

Matt of course could have done something useful like supporting African export promotion in various global trade hubs. Instead he went to build a school in a remote village. As he was laying the foundation stone he realised he'd never been on a gap year and promptly discovered himself. He wanted to help people. He wanted to help people just like this.

No, that was fucking bollocks. He wasn't helping. He could already see a professional construction crew moving in to correct his wonky foundation stone just as they did for the American teenagers who’d laid the same stone last week. Perhaps, he thought, perhaps he just needed to not do anything. No more media interviews, conferences or speeches and definitely no trying to help.

Matt Hancock even gave up trying to mediate in a disputed election. And it was walking away where he finally had his greatest triumph. The two sides had both tried to steal the election, both running under the slogan, "make Africa great again". Discussions to resolve the crisis led by Matt had gone nowhere. But as he gave his resignation press conference, ending his involvement in what he called the unsolvable situation, the two candidates met at the back of the room. It turned out that they both hated Hancock's smug attempts at diplomacy. A passing joke led to a half hour giggleathon and then a moment of bonding at their facilitator's expense. In fact the relationship blossomed and an agreement was met between the two sides. And it was all down to Hancock walking away. What a man. Only his incompetence could have achieved this. And just like Obama before the drone strikes, the EU before Mediterranean push backs and Abiy Ahmed before Tigray he earned the ultimate accolade of the deserving, the Nobel Peace Prize. 

It was enough to bring a (definitely not staged) tear to anyone’s eye.

Marvel fans can have a point for each Marvel character i've smuggled into the blog.