CorvidSketch Episode IXX: Welcome to the Hotel Quarantine

Now from Scavenger Bird of Satire, a special double episode. Is that government competence staying at the Heathrow Premier Inn? Can Lenny Henry save the day? And will CSI Starmer finally get down on one knee and propose…. some policies?

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Part one

If you’re feeling down about the grey weather and prospects of ages more in lockdown then spare a thought for those passengers just dipping beneath the cloud to land at Heathrow or Luton. The local temperature is a cool 7 degrees, the political outlook foggy and government decision making has a cruising speed of 4mph.

For incoming passengers, the UK has introduced a new red list and quarantine system to try and stop the spread of covid variants from other countries. There will be anxiety for anyone on the red list. No, not a list of MPs deemed ‘a bit too lefty’ for the current Labour leadership. The red list comprises 33 countries, travellers from which will have to be quarantined at hotels near the airport they land at.

Passengers coming through border security are still treated to Priti Patel’s voice over the tannoy, ‘If you are legally entitled to enter this country you are more than welcome but if you should wish to turn around and not enter then you will be making the Home Office very happy and may avoid us deporting you anyway”.

It gets worse as anyone passing through the departure lounge can no longer pop in for a 6am round of lagers and jager bombs at the airport weatherspoons. However, the boss of the pub chain, Tim Martin has urged government to open pubs at the same time as shops, pointing to stringent COVID-19 safety measures. He is unfortunately contradicted by a recent study in Scotland which found that surprisingly drunk people in a noisy environment may not be the best at adhering to restrictions such as social distancing, washing your hands frequently (looking at you tall bloke just finished at the urinal) and not spitting everywhere as you loudly tell the story of how you once went trout fishing with Danny Dyer. I will not cast judgement, but simply let you decide whether to trust the Institute for Social Marketing and Health or Tim Martin, a man who stole TARDIS technology so he could be the ranting bloke at the end of every bar in the country at the same time!

Once they get to their hotels, travellers from red list countries must be isolated from everyone with the exception of journalists asking them about ‘their experience’ or Matt Hancock asking sincerely about their mental health while posing for a photo op. For £1,750 the deluxe package includes a double room, mandatory room service, free WiFi and complimentary G4S security. Suites are also fitted with a compulsory 'Do not disturb' sign. If the government really cared about the mental health of arrivals trapped in hotels it would requisition Lenny Henry and send him round in a hazmat suit to tell jokes. Now that would be premier service.

Overall this is a sensible policy move by the government in order to slow the number of new variant cases getting into the country. However, it’s a shame the stable door has been shut a year after horses started bolting through arrivals spreading covid everywhere.

Part two

Once passengers have cleared quarantine what sort of Britain do they find themselves in?

Still in lockdown but with pressure mounting to explain the road map out. Critics are urging the government to let children back to school and re-open businesses. The Daily Mail urged Boris to ‘take the breaks off’ opening up lockdown. Like all cold blooded creatures, Daily Mail editors hibernate over winter and therefore missed the images of the NHS on its knees and over a thousand UK citizens dying every day. All partially due to coming out of earlier lockdowns too early.

Meanwhile the Education Secretary has announced measures to protect free speech on (currently closed?) University campuses. Gavin Williamson is of course a fan of free speech having been sacked as Defence Secretary for freely speaking about the National Security Council to journalists. The new free speech champion will be tasked with looking into academic sackings and no platforming with new legislation backed responsibilities for unis and student unions to uphold free speech. It will be interesting to see how far this goes. Will unions be allowed to deny a platform to racists or will the Oxford University Union's 2007 decision to try and host Nick Griffin be not a controversial one off but something all unions are required to do. Presumably proponents of the government's scheme believe if you can rationally beat a racist in a debate then they'll just go away. A tactic that has so famously worked with Donald Trump.

And who’s this? post-patriotism strategy, sashaying into the Labour cocktail party in a tux with a mysterious glint in their eye? The name’s Bond, British Recovery Bond. Yes, an actual policy from CSI Starmer. So good at forensically deconstructing the government’s arguments we are finally getting some details on what a Starmer government might do. The Bond isn’t particularly groundbreaking, a Quantum of Solace-equivalent suggestion to give Brits a chance to invest in the economic recovery post-covid. But well it’s a start. 

Corvid Sketch XVIII: Less policy, more patriotism

The currents of nationalism and patriotism ebb and flow through UK politics, never enough to drown the country but sometimes deep enough to wash out blind cynicism or give us a mouthful of salty xenophobia. Depending on your point of view, nationalism and patriotism are either the same thing or two distinct camps of ideas at different points on a spectrum called, ‘I bloody love Britain alright?’ It’s also worth saying these are not just British things and even within the UK there are obvious similar sentiments  towards the four nations and the Ireland of Island as a whole. Plus some good spoof and not so spoof twitter accounts promoting Kentish and Northumbrian nationalism. The Brexit referendum gave new volume to nationalist thinking but with a specific political objective in mind. Now that the UK has left the EU, British patriotism and nationalism is sounding more and more rudderless: bobbing around the Atlantic in a tin bathtub without a clear sense of direction. Now Labour have decided to join: jumping into Her Majesty's battle tub and hoisting their own Union Jack.

Last week the Guardian obtained a leaked strategy paper commissioned by the Labour party. To address voters’ confusion over what the party stands for and make a clear break from the previous party leadership, the paper suggests making greater use of the Union Jack and veterans. The paper also suggests dressing smartly,  a style change adopted by Jeremy Corbyn. What a resounding impact on the electorate that had.  

The strategy shows how nervous the Labour leadership of being seen as a north London elite out of touch with crucial parts of the electorate in the ‘red wall’ and beyond. In an exclusive copy of the strategy document, made up by this blog, a number of other recommendations for recapturing the public are laid out. Ties are not just to be worn but should avoid deep red colours in case they scare voters who might associate them with left wing politics. Publicly eating avocados will be banned and consuming victoria sponge or anything with gravy on will be encouraged instead. Ideological no-nos now include agreeing publicly with Elizabeth Warren and being a Cuban spy. There are fears that Starmer’s Islington friendly cockapoo Beatrice will be replaced with a bulldog called Trevor or ‘Plucky’. (Starmer is actually known to own donkeys rather than a cockapoo but that doesn’t fit the caricature and it’s also easy to make an ass out of yourself doing donkey jokes…. Oh shhh).

A recent youtube video by the Labour party seems to embody the patriotism over policy approach. There was Starmer in a suit, a Union Jack in the background, only a passing reference to how royally the government is screwing up and lots of how great the NHS is. But there are dangers to Kier Starmer’s attempts to become the reincarnation of Captain Tom. Could deliberately increasing a focus on flags and the military go beyond simply restating affection for a country with many redeeming qualities and encourage an increase in more xenophobic and militaristic nationalism? It’s a shame there isn’t any recent lessons from say America which shows why hitching your wagon to blind nationalism for the sake of political power shouldn’t ‘Trump’ other political values. 

Another danger is that again patriotism shifts into the kind of reverence for British institutions that prevents proper scrutiny when they are in the wrong. The revelation that the Queen lobbied Ministers to change the law to keep her wealth from public scrutiny is one example where Britain’s most beloved symbols might not always be working in everyone’s interests. But it’s not just Labour that are playing the patriot card. Massive Pollock Jacob Rees-Mogg’s joke about fish being British comes across as a crass attempt to hide massive failures in post-Brexit fishing policy. A more concerning example is the Overseas Operations Bill which introduces a statute of limitations of just five years for bringing cases against UK soldiers accused of the trivial crime of torture! Armed Forces Minister, Jonny Mercer(nary) has argued that the bill is about protecting Britain’s ‘brave warriors’ from vexatious legal claims. It is tempting to shut up and agree with him, indeed one solicitor was struck off for paying for witness testimony against British troops and that is not right. But looking through patriotic bluster and talking about policy allows us to ask questions like, ‘Why does this bill limit the ability of British troops to bring cases against the Ministry of Defence? eg  if they have been thrown into an overseas operation without the right equipment? Perhaps this is why so many former soldiers and the British Legion have not agreed with Jonny on this bill?

A progressive patriotism should be possible. The NHS is a British institution that we can be proud of. Buying field-grown British produce is probably better for the environment than flying it from deforested or water draining farms on the other side of the world. But if Kier Starmer is going to throw on a union jack cape, jump on a bulldog and ride it up to Wakefield then he needs to make sure he doesn’t get thrown off, chewed up and shat out as he passes Luton.