Corvid Sketch Episode XXI: More Nukes and Less Troops for Gunboat Britain

For defence and military correspondents, last week saw a welcome break from a year of health news: the launch of the Government’s Integrated Review of Security, Defence, Development and Foreign Policy. ‘What the General Montgomery is that?’ I hear you ask. Well, very much a Ronseal type of exercise. It’s a big arse review, covering (you guessed it) security, defence, international development and foreign policy. In fact it sets the UK’s vision for its place in the world leading up to 2030.

In the Integrated Review is all the stuff you’d expect modern General George Parrs to raise: scary Russia, jobs in cyber and decisions on shiny new military hardware. The Government’s commitment to defend British interests in space shines forth from the front cover with a photo credited to Tim Peake. Give the communications staffer who thought of that a raise!

Renewed naval power is also a big part of the UK’s defence capabilities discussed in the review. The aircraft carrier, HMS Queen Elizabeth, is to be sent from the Mediterranean to the Indian and Pacific Oceans. The ability to pressure China with a battleship named after the Queen is almost certainly peak Boris. This government would weaponise stamps and 10p coins if it could.

Headlines were grabbed by some of the more controversial aspects of the review. Chief among them is the decision to increase the number of nuclear weapons stockpiled despite previous government reviews seeking to reduce the UK’s arsenal. The Royal Family has leapt to defend the government, saying that the nukes are needed as a proportional response to any communist prince stealers in California threatening to give more interviews!

In conventional forces news, defence was clearly the motivation behind reports of plans to cut troop numbers in England: specifically defence of Scottish votes for the Tories in the upcoming local elections. Cutting troop numbers in Scotland is as effective at driving votes to the SNP as sending Boris on a tour of the Highlands just before polling day.

It wasn’t all new defence kit and yelling huzzah as Britain sails back to the Indian ocean. There was plenty on British values, open societies, defending democracy and combating the crisis that is climate change. No mention though of the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill which stalks these values undercover and then pops up to detain them for ten years. The Bill does contain some worthy provisions like increased sentences for assaulting emergency workers. But critics point to ten year prison sentences for toppling statues (eight more years than a minor assault on a paramedic) and powers giving police the ability to arrest you for protesting too loudly or in a way that makes you a nuisance. A curious assault on civil liberties for a party that once saw its shadow Home Secretary resign when Labour tried to curtail freedoms as par of the war on terror. Even Remainiac Dominic Grieve and Arch-Brexiteer Steve Baker have teamed up to criticise the Bill on ConservativeHome. Blogs like this from Tory backbenchers are clearly a nuisance to the government so you know Grieve and Baker want to watch themselves… that sort of thing will be illegal soon.

Another area of the Integrated Review is investment in science. The launch coincides with an evidence session by Sauron’s communications goblin and defender of the right to eye tests, Dominic Cummings. He was there to discuss a new government research funding platform he is heading. Other than defending ‘extreme freedom’ to do whatever he wants (surprisingly not outlawed in the policing bill) he also managed to blame the department of health for the government’s poor covid-19 response. So not then Prime Minister, Dominic Cummings’ fault then? Don’t worry everyone’s favourite people-person will be back in front of parliament in May to elaborate on these feelings so don’t fret if you missed him this time round.

All in all a fully Integrated week for this government: defending statues, destroying civil liberties, developing nukes and even the unpopular respawning of Dominic Cummings. If only Foreign Secretary Raab popped up to rile an American Congressman i’d have ‘Bingo’. Hang on a minute… he was discussing the Northern Ireland Protocol with a Representative from Philadelphia? BING...

Corvid Sketch Episode XX: Back to school day

Restless, argumentative and maladjusted, the cabinet is overseeing the return of children to school this week. The feeling of relief by parents can be summed up by the neighbour who, when asked ‘how are you doing?’, punched the air, grinned from ear to ear and simply answered, ‘Monday!’ (true story).

Balancing covid case reduction with children’s educational needs is one of many difficult choices facing the government. Though they are making slashing the aid budget, below inflation pay rises for nurses and a freeze in tax relief hitting anyone earning more than £12.5k look so easy.

Department of Education staff have denied that Gavin Williamson tried to solve the country's home school challenges by selling all children on eBay. He is believed to have pitched the idea to the Treasury to help raise revenue so 'Dishy Rishi' didn't have to raise taxes. Prospective buyers of the nation's children were being lined up via a special VIP procurement queue. They included an ISIS recruitment cell, a sweatshop in Leicester, a time traveling chimney sweep and a pet shop currently running Track and Trace call centres.

On this occasion, the government seems to have succeeded in ts daily chore of making sure Gavin Williamson doesn’t do something completely stupid. But as pundits and commentators discuss the impact on children of the recent stay at home measures this blogger asks what no one else is asking: “Will someone please think of the politicians?!!!??”

Luckily I am in a position to answer my own rhetorical questions so read on as the Scavenger Bird of Satire has this handy reminder of which politicians need to return to class alongside the nation’s children. 

Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab needs to pay attention in business studies after famously not realising just how much trade we do through Calais. If he studies hard he may be able to untangle all the delays his party have caused for UK businesses trying to export through the port from the frosty downlands of Brexit Britain.

A special diversity and inclusion seminar could be put on for Boris Johnson. He has refrained from using terms like bongo bongo land but staff are still worried he may try and sleep with the receptionist or one of the busts of Churchill. The headmistress, Ms Symonds would not be happy with that. 

The government has also confirmed that Priti Patel has watched an anti-bullying video so in no way do they need to fire her for breaking the ministerial code. Though they have paid out £340,000 in pocket money for the chief civil servant suing Patel’s department for wrongful dismissal.

Meanwhile Kier Starmer is standing at the school gate telling Labour MPs to do their ties up properly. Labour have also popped a suggestions box out, hoping that the kids will design them some more policies. So far Labour have only come up with an investment bond and singing the national anthem more loudly.

Extra geography lessons are clearly needed for Housing, Communities and Local Government Secretary Robert Jenrick and Chancellor Rishi Sunak. They still believe that economically deprived towns appear in only Tory constituencies. This was revealed when journalists reported that 39 of 45 towns receiving investment from the government's small town fund were held by Tory MPs. Incredibly affluent Rishmond, represented by billionaire Chancellor Rishi, also appeared on two lists of targets for government "levelling up" funding. Maybe these ministers aren't rubbish at geography, instead maybe this blogger needs to dig out their A-level politics text books and revise pork barrel politics. For those who need a pre-exam reminder, pork barrel politics is where politicians direct government spending in a specific place to please their voters. This is not to be confused with bacon sandwich politics which is where you're not allowed to be Prime Minister if you can't eat a bacon sandwich in a dignified manner live on chat radio. Which is not to be confused with pig head politics which is where during your Eton and Oxbridge education you involve your sausage in a pig's head and are allowed to become prime minister. This is not to be confused with gammon politics which is…

Anyways…

As a famous campaign slogan reminds us, if there’s one thing our politicians need it’s, education, education, education.

Snap quiz: 1) how many grammatical errors are there in this blog post? 2) how many were deliberate for your amusement?