Corvid Sketch Episode XXIV: et tu Dom? Or How to Stab a Politician in the Back

It was probably inevitable in this dark pantomime written by Armando Iannucci and Max Brooks that at some point Dominic Cummings would seek to stab Boris Johnson in the back. From Vote Leave conquests to the Emperor’s palace they have been the ultimate political force in recent years. Now they are the best of enemies. Dom is rumoured to have become disillusioned when he found out that he, Dominic Cummings, wasn’t the Prime Minister. It’s Carrie instead. Now, six months after being fired, Dom has slithered from the shadows to have his revenge. 

So how do you stab a politician in the back?

Timing is  important. Enough time passed that your own incompetence and dishonesty isn’t still in the headlines but not so far gone that people have forgotten who you are.

The setting of the House of Commons and the classic costume of a cloak of malice and open buttoned shirt combo helps.

A proper Tory betrayal needs a sharp blade. Being a dark lord of the Sith, Dom uses a double bladed red lightsaber: known as the joint hearing of the health and social care and science and technology committees.

Boris himself is quite a difficult person to actually take down via a knife to the gap where the spine normally is. His political skin is made from vibranium and thus is impervious to claims of racism, infidelity and dishonesty. Michael Gove famously stabbed him in the back in the 2017 leadership election. But presumably after repeating some homophobic remark about ‘bum boys’, Boris shrugged it off and returned to the leadership contest in 2019. Given that Cummings once worked for Gove you’d have thought Boris would have seen this round coming?

Given Boris’s survivability, which angle did Cummings thrust from? The first stab came from the direction of incompetence, Is Boris a fit and proper person to lead the count? “No”. He changes his mind “ten times a day”, “like a shopping trolley smashing from one side of the aisle to the other”. Then there was the cut of Boris’s indifference to others, Cummings heard Johnson say he would rather see “bodies pile high” than impose a third lockdown. And finally a bitter slash in the description of the outcome, “tens of thousands of people died who didn’t need to die”. 

Boris wasn’t Cumming’s only target for revenge. Health Secretary Hancock was singled out as someone Cumming urged Johnson to fire. Meanwhile Carrie Symonds’s dog was accused of dominating the PM’s agenda and working to ensure that Carrie’s friends got key positions in government. This is not too surprising, Jack Russells are known to be a cronyistic breed.

Of course this whole scene might have been more successful for Cummings if he hadn’t shot his integrity repeatedly in the foot throughout his whole career. Despite delivering his testimony to the Committee in a way that excited the papers it’s hard to know whether he was simply making an argument designed to pull the heart strings of those who hate Boris rather than one that should be believed. #ClassicDom. A true case of argumentum ad captandum. #Classics Dom.

Of course in general the Conservatives prefer to dispatch their internal rivals by stabbing them in the back, there is more time for plotting over brandy and cigars and more excuses for quoting Latin. The Green Party does nothing of the sort, instead prompting a moment of collective self reflection in order to compost old leaders and allow the flourishing of new shoots.

Labour prefer the good old-fashioned show trial and firing squad. Jeremy Corbyn is perhaps the most recent target of this. After being sent into exile, party apparatchiks are now busy deleting his name from party histories and removing his image from any photos. Not only is he not leader of the Labour party, he never was. This has left behind a curious spectacle of photos of current leader Keir Starmer shaking hands with thin air, a striking metaphor for the party's chances of winning back the red wall. This sort of coup doesn't always go well. There is always the risk that General Zhukov will storm in, yell “Hands up or i’ll shoot you in the fookin’ face” in a Northern accent and mess everything up. In supreme leader Starmer’s most recent purge attempt, Zhukov was played by Angela Rayner MP. During the unsuccessful attempt to get rid of her as deputy leader it is believed Rayner headbutted Starmer in the face and emerged with a promotion. Her full list  of titles now reads Angela Rayner MP, Deputy Leader of the Labour Party, Shadow Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, Retaker of the North, Super Mum, Mother of Dragons, McDonnell's revenge.... Future leader of the Labour Party?

Corvid Sketch Episode XXIII: Decor without the Decorum

 

The renovations to No. 11 Downing Street have got to be the most controversial in politicaldom since the days of MP expenses claims for duck islands and moat cleaning. Overseen by Prime Minister Carrie Symonds and her fiancé Boris Johnson, the works are believed to have cost up to £200,000. While big questions remain about who has payed for them, the Scavenger Bird of Satire has flown through an open window to report back on exactly what has been bought for this premier political pad. 

Theresa May’s John Lewis furniture was branded a ‘nightmare’ and has been thrown out. Units from Ikea have been rejected as not Brexit-y enough while Argos has been ignored because it’s toasters and kettles don’t come with gold leaf.

Lush carpets, sofas and portraits are sourced with help from a luxury designer who sells fabric at £100 a meter. There is gold everywhere. What else for the eton-educated every-man resident while he carries out the ‘peoples’ priorities’.  In the kitchen, there is a special box of silver spoons for Carrie and Boris’ child when it is born.

In line with PM Carrie’s environmental concerns there is no fur and everything comes from a sustainable source: Tory donor Lord Brownlow’s bank account.

And of course there are the statues: suffragette founder Emmeline Pankhurst, 18th century slave and abolitionist Olaudah Equiano and former athlete now Peer, Tanni Grey-Thompson. No, i’m kidding, they are all Churchill. Winston Churchill is f*cking everywhere. A bust of Churchill in every room. Glaring down on the master bed, staring you in the eyes as you sit on the downstairs toilet. Boris wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Down a red carpeted corridor there’s private office with a desk, phone and littleblack book: all for keeping Boris’s affairs in order.

There’s also a special VIP room for friends and family who would like multi-million pound government contracts for PPE supplies or COVID tests. As the Scavenger Bird of Satire flew past a number of eminently qualified business people were waiting for their contracts and enjoying a complimentary taxpayer funded foot massage. They included Matt Hancock’s favourite pub landlord, a pet shop owner, a celebrity coke dealer, one of the Cheeky Girls and a Dalek.  

It hasn’t all been glitzy new furniture and gold. There have been a number of structural issues which needed addressing. Carrie Symonds wanted the John Lewis furniture out and the hundreds of thousands spent in order to make somewhere that felt Prime Ministerial: wallpapering over the cracks in Boris’s credibility. There was also a large plumbing bill. Upon cracking open the pipes it was revealed that text messages, whatsapps and emails have been leaking out of Number 10 Downing Street for some time. Soundproofing was needed lest someone take the Prime Minister out of context for the thousandth time.

Much of the money has been spent on trying to get rid of a shadowy stain left by former adviser and Dr Evil’s ‘Older Me’, Dominic Cummings. It is believed that weapons grade bleach, a crack team of Polish plasterers and an exorcist have all failed to dislodge the grotesque mark. What is left is a dark void in a corner where integrity and common decency should be. Not that there was much of that kicking around the flat to begin with. 

Corvid Sketch Episode XXII: Everyone wants Independence

Everyone wants independence: the Scotch, Welsh, some Northern Irish (careful) plus the Northern English, satirists of Kent’s lorry parks and even 6 football clubs have had a go.

With local elections looming this week there is a greater chance to hear more of these national aspirations as they march the revolutionary road to the local county council. Ok and a few mayors and devolved assemblies are in their sights as well.

First up in any tour of successionism must be Scotland and specifically Alex Salmond’s quest for independence from the SNP. He has launched the Alba party. For anyone who is not steeped in the ins and outs of Scottish politics it is a left leaning platform pushing for a referendum on Scottish independence but led by someone who hates the current leader of the SNP. As a new party Alba will be busy setting up its new procedures and policies. Its rules on addressing sexual assault allegations will make for interesting reading.

To the South West there’s Northern Ireland where tensions recently exploded into a spate of rioting. Ok independence is not really the issue at all. Identities and political struggles that the UK mainland hears about are those who want to be part of the Republic of Ireland or be part of the UK. Those old tensions have been bottled up for some time, a fuse created by post-Brexit customs arrangements has been stuffed in the end, and now a match created by policing issues has been lit. Paramilitaries and politicians have whispered ‘throw, throw, throw’ to the teenagers and twenty somethings holding this cocktail while the overwhelming majority of Northern Ireland’s people look on in horror as it sails towards a bus.

Back across the Irish sea, discussing Northern English stereotypes is always a bit fraught for southerners. Surprise, surprise this bird was hatched in a nest of shredded private eye magazines in the garden of a Guardian cartoonist somewhere between the Garden of England and its west country cider orchard. Then again, the Northern Independence Party's logo is actually a whippet so maybe stereotypes are fair game. They eat exclusively chips and gravy and vote on party decisions with the affirmation, 'Aye Duck'. Just as the Tory's eat kids and gravy and vote with the phrase 'Aye My Lord'. The Whippet logo and twitter banter suggest the Northern Independent Party is a party who doesn't take itself too seriously. They have also managed to avoid scandals or faux Pas, 'NIP slips' if you will.

Then there’s Kent. Ok Kent is not looking for independence. County-based independence struggles are for Cornwall only. (Google ‘Mebyon Kernow’ if you don’t believe me.) However, pride in the humble Kentish cobnut, a strong service station infrastructure and a growing economy based on deliveroos to lorry drivers queueing for Dover has led to a very amusing twitter thought experiment on what an independent state of Kent would be like. Basically, it would be shit. But don’t tell the anonymous parody Kent nationalists that. They are a proud people.

Presumably inspired by all these independence campaigns, a small group of English premier league clubs decided to nobley break away towards the sunlit uplands of the European Super League. The ‘Big Six’ or Big Five plus Tottenham Hotspur joined with Italian and Spanish clubs in a sort of ‘Prexit’/reverse Brexit kinda deal. Surprisingly for a sport that pays its players a billion pounds a second, this brazen attempt to grab more money through advertising and sponsorship was roundly criticised. After being tripped by the political backlash it didn’t take long for the guilty clubs to fall to their knees, scream their ankle was broken and roll out of the deal, yelling ‘come on ref’. For now these clubs dreams of independence will have to wait on the political parties. Bring on the Republic of Northumbria vs the Duchy of Cornwall in the Euros 2024. Independent or not they’ll still beat Scotland!