Everyone wants independence: the Scotch, Welsh, some Northern Irish (careful) plus the Northern English, satirists of Kent’s lorry parks and even 6 football clubs have had a go.
With local elections looming this week there is a greater chance to hear more of these national aspirations as they march the revolutionary road to the local county council. Ok and a few mayors and devolved assemblies are in their sights as well.
First up in any tour of successionism must be Scotland and specifically Alex Salmond’s quest for independence from the SNP. He has launched the Alba party. For anyone who is not steeped in the ins and outs of Scottish politics it is a left leaning platform pushing for a referendum on Scottish independence but led by someone who hates the current leader of the SNP. As a new party Alba will be busy setting up its new procedures and policies. Its rules on addressing sexual assault allegations will make for interesting reading.
To the South West there’s Northern Ireland where tensions recently exploded into a spate of rioting. Ok independence is not really the issue at all. Identities and political struggles that the UK mainland hears about are those who want to be part of the Republic of Ireland or be part of the UK. Those old tensions have been bottled up for some time, a fuse created by post-Brexit customs arrangements has been stuffed in the end, and now a match created by policing issues has been lit. Paramilitaries and politicians have whispered ‘throw, throw, throw’ to the teenagers and twenty somethings holding this cocktail while the overwhelming majority of Northern Ireland’s people look on in horror as it sails towards a bus.
Back across the Irish sea, discussing Northern English stereotypes is always a bit fraught for southerners. Surprise, surprise this bird was hatched in a nest of shredded private eye magazines in the garden of a Guardian cartoonist somewhere between the Garden of England and its west country cider orchard. Then again, the Northern Independence Party's logo is actually a whippet so maybe stereotypes are fair game. They eat exclusively chips and gravy and vote on party decisions with the affirmation, 'Aye Duck'. Just as the Tory's eat kids and gravy and vote with the phrase 'Aye My Lord'. The Whippet logo and twitter banter suggest the Northern Independent Party is a party who doesn't take itself too seriously. They have also managed to avoid scandals or faux Pas, 'NIP slips' if you will.
Then there’s Kent. Ok Kent is not looking for independence. County-based independence struggles are for Cornwall only. (Google ‘Mebyon Kernow’ if you don’t believe me.) However, pride in the humble Kentish cobnut, a strong service station infrastructure and a growing economy based on deliveroos to lorry drivers queueing for Dover has led to a very amusing twitter thought experiment on what an independent state of Kent would be like. Basically, it would be shit. But don’t tell the anonymous parody Kent nationalists that. They are a proud people.
Presumably inspired by all these independence campaigns, a
small group of English premier league clubs decided to nobley break away
towards the sunlit uplands of the European Super League. The ‘Big Six’ or Big
Five plus Tottenham Hotspur joined with Italian and Spanish clubs in a sort of
‘Prexit’/reverse Brexit kinda deal. Surprisingly for a sport that pays its
players a billion pounds a second, this brazen attempt to grab more money
through advertising and sponsorship was roundly criticised. After being tripped
by the political backlash it didn’t take long for the guilty clubs to fall to
their knees, scream their ankle was broken and roll out of the deal, yelling
‘come on ref’. For now these clubs dreams of independence will have to wait on
the political parties. Bring on the Republic of Northumbria vs the Duchy of
Cornwall in the Euros 2024. Independent or not they’ll still beat Scotland!
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