Corvid Sketch Episode XXII: Everyone wants Independence

Everyone wants independence: the Scotch, Welsh, some Northern Irish (careful) plus the Northern English, satirists of Kent’s lorry parks and even 6 football clubs have had a go.

With local elections looming this week there is a greater chance to hear more of these national aspirations as they march the revolutionary road to the local county council. Ok and a few mayors and devolved assemblies are in their sights as well.

First up in any tour of successionism must be Scotland and specifically Alex Salmond’s quest for independence from the SNP. He has launched the Alba party. For anyone who is not steeped in the ins and outs of Scottish politics it is a left leaning platform pushing for a referendum on Scottish independence but led by someone who hates the current leader of the SNP. As a new party Alba will be busy setting up its new procedures and policies. Its rules on addressing sexual assault allegations will make for interesting reading.

To the South West there’s Northern Ireland where tensions recently exploded into a spate of rioting. Ok independence is not really the issue at all. Identities and political struggles that the UK mainland hears about are those who want to be part of the Republic of Ireland or be part of the UK. Those old tensions have been bottled up for some time, a fuse created by post-Brexit customs arrangements has been stuffed in the end, and now a match created by policing issues has been lit. Paramilitaries and politicians have whispered ‘throw, throw, throw’ to the teenagers and twenty somethings holding this cocktail while the overwhelming majority of Northern Ireland’s people look on in horror as it sails towards a bus.

Back across the Irish sea, discussing Northern English stereotypes is always a bit fraught for southerners. Surprise, surprise this bird was hatched in a nest of shredded private eye magazines in the garden of a Guardian cartoonist somewhere between the Garden of England and its west country cider orchard. Then again, the Northern Independence Party's logo is actually a whippet so maybe stereotypes are fair game. They eat exclusively chips and gravy and vote on party decisions with the affirmation, 'Aye Duck'. Just as the Tory's eat kids and gravy and vote with the phrase 'Aye My Lord'. The Whippet logo and twitter banter suggest the Northern Independent Party is a party who doesn't take itself too seriously. They have also managed to avoid scandals or faux Pas, 'NIP slips' if you will.

Then there’s Kent. Ok Kent is not looking for independence. County-based independence struggles are for Cornwall only. (Google ‘Mebyon Kernow’ if you don’t believe me.) However, pride in the humble Kentish cobnut, a strong service station infrastructure and a growing economy based on deliveroos to lorry drivers queueing for Dover has led to a very amusing twitter thought experiment on what an independent state of Kent would be like. Basically, it would be shit. But don’t tell the anonymous parody Kent nationalists that. They are a proud people.

Presumably inspired by all these independence campaigns, a small group of English premier league clubs decided to nobley break away towards the sunlit uplands of the European Super League. The ‘Big Six’ or Big Five plus Tottenham Hotspur joined with Italian and Spanish clubs in a sort of ‘Prexit’/reverse Brexit kinda deal. Surprisingly for a sport that pays its players a billion pounds a second, this brazen attempt to grab more money through advertising and sponsorship was roundly criticised. After being tripped by the political backlash it didn’t take long for the guilty clubs to fall to their knees, scream their ankle was broken and roll out of the deal, yelling ‘come on ref’. For now these clubs dreams of independence will have to wait on the political parties. Bring on the Republic of Northumbria vs the Duchy of Cornwall in the Euros 2024. Independent or not they’ll still beat Scotland!

Corvid Sketch Episode XXI: More Nukes and Less Troops for Gunboat Britain

For defence and military correspondents, last week saw a welcome break from a year of health news: the launch of the Government’s Integrated Review of Security, Defence, Development and Foreign Policy. ‘What the General Montgomery is that?’ I hear you ask. Well, very much a Ronseal type of exercise. It’s a big arse review, covering (you guessed it) security, defence, international development and foreign policy. In fact it sets the UK’s vision for its place in the world leading up to 2030.

In the Integrated Review is all the stuff you’d expect modern General George Parrs to raise: scary Russia, jobs in cyber and decisions on shiny new military hardware. The Government’s commitment to defend British interests in space shines forth from the front cover with a photo credited to Tim Peake. Give the communications staffer who thought of that a raise!

Renewed naval power is also a big part of the UK’s defence capabilities discussed in the review. The aircraft carrier, HMS Queen Elizabeth, is to be sent from the Mediterranean to the Indian and Pacific Oceans. The ability to pressure China with a battleship named after the Queen is almost certainly peak Boris. This government would weaponise stamps and 10p coins if it could.

Headlines were grabbed by some of the more controversial aspects of the review. Chief among them is the decision to increase the number of nuclear weapons stockpiled despite previous government reviews seeking to reduce the UK’s arsenal. The Royal Family has leapt to defend the government, saying that the nukes are needed as a proportional response to any communist prince stealers in California threatening to give more interviews!

In conventional forces news, defence was clearly the motivation behind reports of plans to cut troop numbers in England: specifically defence of Scottish votes for the Tories in the upcoming local elections. Cutting troop numbers in Scotland is as effective at driving votes to the SNP as sending Boris on a tour of the Highlands just before polling day.

It wasn’t all new defence kit and yelling huzzah as Britain sails back to the Indian ocean. There was plenty on British values, open societies, defending democracy and combating the crisis that is climate change. No mention though of the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill which stalks these values undercover and then pops up to detain them for ten years. The Bill does contain some worthy provisions like increased sentences for assaulting emergency workers. But critics point to ten year prison sentences for toppling statues (eight more years than a minor assault on a paramedic) and powers giving police the ability to arrest you for protesting too loudly or in a way that makes you a nuisance. A curious assault on civil liberties for a party that once saw its shadow Home Secretary resign when Labour tried to curtail freedoms as par of the war on terror. Even Remainiac Dominic Grieve and Arch-Brexiteer Steve Baker have teamed up to criticise the Bill on ConservativeHome. Blogs like this from Tory backbenchers are clearly a nuisance to the government so you know Grieve and Baker want to watch themselves… that sort of thing will be illegal soon.

Another area of the Integrated Review is investment in science. The launch coincides with an evidence session by Sauron’s communications goblin and defender of the right to eye tests, Dominic Cummings. He was there to discuss a new government research funding platform he is heading. Other than defending ‘extreme freedom’ to do whatever he wants (surprisingly not outlawed in the policing bill) he also managed to blame the department of health for the government’s poor covid-19 response. So not then Prime Minister, Dominic Cummings’ fault then? Don’t worry everyone’s favourite people-person will be back in front of parliament in May to elaborate on these feelings so don’t fret if you missed him this time round.

All in all a fully Integrated week for this government: defending statues, destroying civil liberties, developing nukes and even the unpopular respawning of Dominic Cummings. If only Foreign Secretary Raab popped up to rile an American Congressman i’d have ‘Bingo’. Hang on a minute… he was discussing the Northern Ireland Protocol with a Representative from Philadelphia? BING...

Corvid Sketch Episode XX: Back to school day

Restless, argumentative and maladjusted, the cabinet is overseeing the return of children to school this week. The feeling of relief by parents can be summed up by the neighbour who, when asked ‘how are you doing?’, punched the air, grinned from ear to ear and simply answered, ‘Monday!’ (true story).

Balancing covid case reduction with children’s educational needs is one of many difficult choices facing the government. Though they are making slashing the aid budget, below inflation pay rises for nurses and a freeze in tax relief hitting anyone earning more than £12.5k look so easy.

Department of Education staff have denied that Gavin Williamson tried to solve the country's home school challenges by selling all children on eBay. He is believed to have pitched the idea to the Treasury to help raise revenue so 'Dishy Rishi' didn't have to raise taxes. Prospective buyers of the nation's children were being lined up via a special VIP procurement queue. They included an ISIS recruitment cell, a sweatshop in Leicester, a time traveling chimney sweep and a pet shop currently running Track and Trace call centres.

On this occasion, the government seems to have succeeded in ts daily chore of making sure Gavin Williamson doesn’t do something completely stupid. But as pundits and commentators discuss the impact on children of the recent stay at home measures this blogger asks what no one else is asking: “Will someone please think of the politicians?!!!??”

Luckily I am in a position to answer my own rhetorical questions so read on as the Scavenger Bird of Satire has this handy reminder of which politicians need to return to class alongside the nation’s children. 

Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab needs to pay attention in business studies after famously not realising just how much trade we do through Calais. If he studies hard he may be able to untangle all the delays his party have caused for UK businesses trying to export through the port from the frosty downlands of Brexit Britain.

A special diversity and inclusion seminar could be put on for Boris Johnson. He has refrained from using terms like bongo bongo land but staff are still worried he may try and sleep with the receptionist or one of the busts of Churchill. The headmistress, Ms Symonds would not be happy with that. 

The government has also confirmed that Priti Patel has watched an anti-bullying video so in no way do they need to fire her for breaking the ministerial code. Though they have paid out £340,000 in pocket money for the chief civil servant suing Patel’s department for wrongful dismissal.

Meanwhile Kier Starmer is standing at the school gate telling Labour MPs to do their ties up properly. Labour have also popped a suggestions box out, hoping that the kids will design them some more policies. So far Labour have only come up with an investment bond and singing the national anthem more loudly.

Extra geography lessons are clearly needed for Housing, Communities and Local Government Secretary Robert Jenrick and Chancellor Rishi Sunak. They still believe that economically deprived towns appear in only Tory constituencies. This was revealed when journalists reported that 39 of 45 towns receiving investment from the government's small town fund were held by Tory MPs. Incredibly affluent Rishmond, represented by billionaire Chancellor Rishi, also appeared on two lists of targets for government "levelling up" funding. Maybe these ministers aren't rubbish at geography, instead maybe this blogger needs to dig out their A-level politics text books and revise pork barrel politics. For those who need a pre-exam reminder, pork barrel politics is where politicians direct government spending in a specific place to please their voters. This is not to be confused with bacon sandwich politics which is where you're not allowed to be Prime Minister if you can't eat a bacon sandwich in a dignified manner live on chat radio. Which is not to be confused with pig head politics which is where during your Eton and Oxbridge education you involve your sausage in a pig's head and are allowed to become prime minister. This is not to be confused with gammon politics which is…

Anyways…

As a famous campaign slogan reminds us, if there’s one thing our politicians need it’s, education, education, education.

Snap quiz: 1) how many grammatical errors are there in this blog post? 2) how many were deliberate for your amusement?

CorvidSketch Episode IXX: Welcome to the Hotel Quarantine

Now from Scavenger Bird of Satire, a special double episode. Is that government competence staying at the Heathrow Premier Inn? Can Lenny Henry save the day? And will CSI Starmer finally get down on one knee and propose…. some policies?

…..

Part one

If you’re feeling down about the grey weather and prospects of ages more in lockdown then spare a thought for those passengers just dipping beneath the cloud to land at Heathrow or Luton. The local temperature is a cool 7 degrees, the political outlook foggy and government decision making has a cruising speed of 4mph.

For incoming passengers, the UK has introduced a new red list and quarantine system to try and stop the spread of covid variants from other countries. There will be anxiety for anyone on the red list. No, not a list of MPs deemed ‘a bit too lefty’ for the current Labour leadership. The red list comprises 33 countries, travellers from which will have to be quarantined at hotels near the airport they land at.

Passengers coming through border security are still treated to Priti Patel’s voice over the tannoy, ‘If you are legally entitled to enter this country you are more than welcome but if you should wish to turn around and not enter then you will be making the Home Office very happy and may avoid us deporting you anyway”.

It gets worse as anyone passing through the departure lounge can no longer pop in for a 6am round of lagers and jager bombs at the airport weatherspoons. However, the boss of the pub chain, Tim Martin has urged government to open pubs at the same time as shops, pointing to stringent COVID-19 safety measures. He is unfortunately contradicted by a recent study in Scotland which found that surprisingly drunk people in a noisy environment may not be the best at adhering to restrictions such as social distancing, washing your hands frequently (looking at you tall bloke just finished at the urinal) and not spitting everywhere as you loudly tell the story of how you once went trout fishing with Danny Dyer. I will not cast judgement, but simply let you decide whether to trust the Institute for Social Marketing and Health or Tim Martin, a man who stole TARDIS technology so he could be the ranting bloke at the end of every bar in the country at the same time!

Once they get to their hotels, travellers from red list countries must be isolated from everyone with the exception of journalists asking them about ‘their experience’ or Matt Hancock asking sincerely about their mental health while posing for a photo op. For £1,750 the deluxe package includes a double room, mandatory room service, free WiFi and complimentary G4S security. Suites are also fitted with a compulsory 'Do not disturb' sign. If the government really cared about the mental health of arrivals trapped in hotels it would requisition Lenny Henry and send him round in a hazmat suit to tell jokes. Now that would be premier service.

Overall this is a sensible policy move by the government in order to slow the number of new variant cases getting into the country. However, it’s a shame the stable door has been shut a year after horses started bolting through arrivals spreading covid everywhere.

Part two

Once passengers have cleared quarantine what sort of Britain do they find themselves in?

Still in lockdown but with pressure mounting to explain the road map out. Critics are urging the government to let children back to school and re-open businesses. The Daily Mail urged Boris to ‘take the breaks off’ opening up lockdown. Like all cold blooded creatures, Daily Mail editors hibernate over winter and therefore missed the images of the NHS on its knees and over a thousand UK citizens dying every day. All partially due to coming out of earlier lockdowns too early.

Meanwhile the Education Secretary has announced measures to protect free speech on (currently closed?) University campuses. Gavin Williamson is of course a fan of free speech having been sacked as Defence Secretary for freely speaking about the National Security Council to journalists. The new free speech champion will be tasked with looking into academic sackings and no platforming with new legislation backed responsibilities for unis and student unions to uphold free speech. It will be interesting to see how far this goes. Will unions be allowed to deny a platform to racists or will the Oxford University Union's 2007 decision to try and host Nick Griffin be not a controversial one off but something all unions are required to do. Presumably proponents of the government's scheme believe if you can rationally beat a racist in a debate then they'll just go away. A tactic that has so famously worked with Donald Trump.

And who’s this? post-patriotism strategy, sashaying into the Labour cocktail party in a tux with a mysterious glint in their eye? The name’s Bond, British Recovery Bond. Yes, an actual policy from CSI Starmer. So good at forensically deconstructing the government’s arguments we are finally getting some details on what a Starmer government might do. The Bond isn’t particularly groundbreaking, a Quantum of Solace-equivalent suggestion to give Brits a chance to invest in the economic recovery post-covid. But well it’s a start. 

Corvid Sketch XVIII: Less policy, more patriotism

The currents of nationalism and patriotism ebb and flow through UK politics, never enough to drown the country but sometimes deep enough to wash out blind cynicism or give us a mouthful of salty xenophobia. Depending on your point of view, nationalism and patriotism are either the same thing or two distinct camps of ideas at different points on a spectrum called, ‘I bloody love Britain alright?’ It’s also worth saying these are not just British things and even within the UK there are obvious similar sentiments  towards the four nations and the Ireland of Island as a whole. Plus some good spoof and not so spoof twitter accounts promoting Kentish and Northumbrian nationalism. The Brexit referendum gave new volume to nationalist thinking but with a specific political objective in mind. Now that the UK has left the EU, British patriotism and nationalism is sounding more and more rudderless: bobbing around the Atlantic in a tin bathtub without a clear sense of direction. Now Labour have decided to join: jumping into Her Majesty's battle tub and hoisting their own Union Jack.

Last week the Guardian obtained a leaked strategy paper commissioned by the Labour party. To address voters’ confusion over what the party stands for and make a clear break from the previous party leadership, the paper suggests making greater use of the Union Jack and veterans. The paper also suggests dressing smartly,  a style change adopted by Jeremy Corbyn. What a resounding impact on the electorate that had.  

The strategy shows how nervous the Labour leadership of being seen as a north London elite out of touch with crucial parts of the electorate in the ‘red wall’ and beyond. In an exclusive copy of the strategy document, made up by this blog, a number of other recommendations for recapturing the public are laid out. Ties are not just to be worn but should avoid deep red colours in case they scare voters who might associate them with left wing politics. Publicly eating avocados will be banned and consuming victoria sponge or anything with gravy on will be encouraged instead. Ideological no-nos now include agreeing publicly with Elizabeth Warren and being a Cuban spy. There are fears that Starmer’s Islington friendly cockapoo Beatrice will be replaced with a bulldog called Trevor or ‘Plucky’. (Starmer is actually known to own donkeys rather than a cockapoo but that doesn’t fit the caricature and it’s also easy to make an ass out of yourself doing donkey jokes…. Oh shhh).

A recent youtube video by the Labour party seems to embody the patriotism over policy approach. There was Starmer in a suit, a Union Jack in the background, only a passing reference to how royally the government is screwing up and lots of how great the NHS is. But there are dangers to Kier Starmer’s attempts to become the reincarnation of Captain Tom. Could deliberately increasing a focus on flags and the military go beyond simply restating affection for a country with many redeeming qualities and encourage an increase in more xenophobic and militaristic nationalism? It’s a shame there isn’t any recent lessons from say America which shows why hitching your wagon to blind nationalism for the sake of political power shouldn’t ‘Trump’ other political values. 

Another danger is that again patriotism shifts into the kind of reverence for British institutions that prevents proper scrutiny when they are in the wrong. The revelation that the Queen lobbied Ministers to change the law to keep her wealth from public scrutiny is one example where Britain’s most beloved symbols might not always be working in everyone’s interests. But it’s not just Labour that are playing the patriot card. Massive Pollock Jacob Rees-Mogg’s joke about fish being British comes across as a crass attempt to hide massive failures in post-Brexit fishing policy. A more concerning example is the Overseas Operations Bill which introduces a statute of limitations of just five years for bringing cases against UK soldiers accused of the trivial crime of torture! Armed Forces Minister, Jonny Mercer(nary) has argued that the bill is about protecting Britain’s ‘brave warriors’ from vexatious legal claims. It is tempting to shut up and agree with him, indeed one solicitor was struck off for paying for witness testimony against British troops and that is not right. But looking through patriotic bluster and talking about policy allows us to ask questions like, ‘Why does this bill limit the ability of British troops to bring cases against the Ministry of Defence? eg  if they have been thrown into an overseas operation without the right equipment? Perhaps this is why so many former soldiers and the British Legion have not agreed with Jonny on this bill?

A progressive patriotism should be possible. The NHS is a British institution that we can be proud of. Buying field-grown British produce is probably better for the environment than flying it from deforested or water draining farms on the other side of the world. But if Kier Starmer is going to throw on a union jack cape, jump on a bulldog and ride it up to Wakefield then he needs to make sure he doesn’t get thrown off, chewed up and shat out as he passes Luton.

Episode XVII: I want to ride my Boris bike, I want to ride it where I like

It seems Boris can’t even get on his own bike without causing controversy. A casual seven mile bicycle ride to the Olympic Park in East London prompts a spate of questions about whether he had broken lockdown rules? Like many, the Scavenger Bird of Satire was wondering whether Boris Johnson is fit enough to cycle a 14 mile round trip? Johnson’s only previous exercise has been rugby tackling Japanese school kids and of course, infidelity. 

Luckily the Scavenger Bird of Satire was flying (a safe two meters) behind Johnson and can report back on the journey no-one is talking about.

It’s a cold, gray, gloomy day. London is in the grip of what can only be described as Teresa May weather. Boris Minister Jonhson emerges out of Downing Street. Has he got his helmet on? Behind him out of the gates comes security staff following the ‘David Cameron environmental protocol’ in a black range rover. 

The police are trying not to chuckle at the PM’s bobble hatted attempts to get fit. But as news reaches them of a ‘massive maybe-retrievable data loss’ of criminal DNA records their smiles slowly fade.

Boris starts with a swing towards parliament and past Big Ben. Turning left, Boris begins with the Thames-side cycle superhighway CS3. Boris’s sweaty look of pride in the superhighway is well placed. It is a genuinely brilliant policy of Boris’s, even if the idea was Ken Livingstone’s.

There were plenty of people on the cycle route. Didn’t they know there was a pandemic on? Don’t they know that they should be staying at home and not going for jolly day trips? Had they not seen the clear set of guidelines and contradictory actions of government Ministers? More people at the Tower of London as it flashed by. One less raven than normal though… a perilous omen for the United Kingdom. Up there with having Boris Johnson leading the government. Would any of the population survive? Would any that do stay or would they join the new Republic of Scotland? 

Boris peddled straight on. Past Shawell and Limehouse in a straight line, a look of British pluck and determinism on his face. It definitely wasn’t the most logical or efficient route but why should he turn back or change course now? ‘Onwards Christian Soldiers’ he hummed, blindly struggling on. 

Canary Wharf and the high rise financial district came into view. A happier part of London for the Tory politician. Full of future Conservaitve Lords or party donors as they were currently called. Yes, some were a little disgruntled with the lack of provisions for the financial industry in the Brexit deal but they were still making money, just wired via a new office in Berlin or Paris.

A fishy smell on the breeze announces Billingsgate market on the right. As Rees-Mogg reminded the Commons this week it was full of happy British fish. You would be happy too, slowly suffocating on a bed of ice but knowing that it would be British person tucking into your flesh rather than a French or a German. Of course if you are a British fisherman who was promised that Brexit would improve your life, you should be happy too knowing that those sneaky French won’t be paying for your exports anymore and your catch can rot on a patriotic British dock instead.

Above Boris’s bike ride, the roar of engines is heard as a plane comes into land at London City Airport. The passengers not looking quite so happy as they now have to produce a negative covid-19 test and quarantine upon landing. Some form of health screening being what travellers to any other part of the world have been used to for at least the last year. The irony being that it is the party of the hostile environment that took so long to restrict people coming into the country.

As Boris turned north up through East London towards Olympic Park he passed hospitals and schools. A gaggle of anti-vaxxers were screaming nonsense outside one clinic, Crazy Corbyn spurring them on. (On this occasion I’m referring to Piers, not Tommy or Jeremy). A group of key-worker’s teenage offspring hung about outside of a school. ‘Fuck-off knobhead’, Johnson heard someone yell as he cycled past. The Headteacher flicked the Vs at him as he turned. With a smile he reached Olympic park and celebrated with a little victory lap. Once round the park and then time to head back and he swung back into the busy London streets.

Boris wasn’t sure which street he had come down. Soon enough he was lost. But Boris Minister Johnson wasn’t one for quitting. He would still make it back in time despite being lost, riding the wrong bike and in the wrong direction, he would get there with sheer British pride and determination. The security guards pulled up beside him and with a ‘cheers chaps’ his bike was loaded in the back of the four by four and they sped back to Downing Street. If only there was a range rover to the rescue everytime his policies went in the wrong direction. Like many, the Scavenger Bird of Satire wonders whether Boris Johnson is fit enough to lead the country? Johnson’s only previous successes have been rugby tackling Japanese school kids and of course, infidelity.

EpisodeXVI: Welcome to 2021: Also Known as 2020 Version 2

As 2020 is screwed up, chucked over the shoulder and heading for the waste paper bin, it’s worth remembering that local council regulations stipulate that at least 50% must be reused or recycled. So far lockdowns, Brexit chaos and Gavin Williamson are the bits being dusted off for a new life. American facism has been upcycled with the addition of a buffalo bill headdress, face paint and an attempted takeover of the Congressional building. Everything still feels very like last year.

The UK government has kicked off 2021 with a new round of covid-lockdown restrictions, including closing schools. In a sign of the dangers of full time education, Eton graduate Boris Johnson ordered pupils to stay home after a single super spreader first day back. Meanwhile, CSI Starmer has shown a new streak of forensic attention to detail as Head of the Opposition. He is now able to demand exactly what the government says they will do within only hours of the government leaking their own plans.

More assertive resistance to the government’s lockdown has come from a small group of Conservative MPs. Steve Baker likened recent measures to ‘near Soviet intervention’, forgetting perhaps that those who resisted actual Soviet interventions tended to find themselves in front of the firing squad. So far even Priti Patel hasn’t suggested going that far.
But despite the ever-increasing number of Covid infections, there is hope. TheNHS began rolling out vaccines to the over 80s just before Christmas. Trying to find out about their experiences, families reported their elderly relatives struggling to use technology and turn their laptops on. This proving that they haven’t been injected with a microchip from Bill Gates.
2021 will not just be about COVID. Boris began his 2021 foreign policy ambitions by cancelling a trip to India due to take place this month. This is genuinely a great start for global Britain as there is less chance he will say something racist and offend his hosts. Civil servants will be breathing the same sigh of relief that the producers of the Grand Tour breathe when they find out that Jeremy Clarkson and co will not be heading to Argentina or Myanmar. 

Later this year the UK will also host the United Nations climate change conference COP 26. Of course if the government delivers its trademark incompetence to ending climate change, the consequences could be considerably more dire than Covid-19. The covid tier system may be repurposed as the world becomes hotter and seas rise. Tier 2 for most people in England and Wales might mean stay inside and drink more water. Whereas tier 3 for Norfolk might mean, 'Seek high ground immediately'. Stay on top of your home>don't flood the NHS> save lives.

And then of course there is the reality and politics of Brexit. In between applauding Trump and not falling off his bar stool, Nigel Farage has renamed the Brexit Party to the Reform Party. This is a worrying signal that Farage is staying in politics and not going to return to his ‘man of the people’ job as a City commodities trader. It also might be a clever way for the Brexit party not to be associated with Brexit. Just in case some people are upset by delays at Dover and Calais; the flight of stockmarket investment to mainland Europe; 4 hours of new vet checks on Scottish seafood awaiting export; the ending of erasmus exchanges for students; visas for frequent travelers; UK companies no longer selling to Europe; European companies no longer selling to the UK; the end of membership of Europol and use of European arrest warrants and; any other trivial matters affecting the UK. Presumably the EU is to blame.

2021 is going to be a lot to handle. What is needed perhaps is some sort of hilarious, anonymous, Crow-logoed purveyor of political sketches to spend the year churning out wit and whimsy for the entertainment of the nerdy political observer. That will surely make things better for everyone. Be sure to let me know if you find one. Happy New Year.