Episode XXVIII: Graham Brady's Letterbox

 Distraught by Boris Johnson’s parties, lies, failures or confusing number of children? Well this hefty lump of political beast can only be defeated by falling on his own sword (unlikely) or through the mystic eye of Graham Brady’s letterbox. With this most sought after of magic powers what must it be like to be Graham Brady’s letterbox?

But first, what is a Graham Brady? Well it’s not a type of disappointing regional biscuit but instead a Member of Parliament. The 1922 committee is a powerful group of backbench Conservative MPs, named after the year Jacob Rees Mogg wishes it was. Sir Graham Brady MP is its Chair.

Conservative MPs are one of the leading causes of death for Conservative premierships. Eventually after having their wicked way with the country for several years their own MPs turn on them. After a few scandals, the tired old PMs are no longer an electoral asset and now they're having funny thoughts on Europe. Like a praying mantis consuming it's lover or a mafia lieutenant offing the don, the circling MPs destroy their leader with no mercy. 

While your average Cabinet Minister can be slain with a metaphorical knife in the back from their best friend, not even silver bullets or garlic can kill the leader of the Conservative Party. Only letters to Graham Brady from Tory MPs can oust this creature from its lair at No 10 Downing Street. 15% of Tory MPs must send these motions of no confidence in to trigger a vote on the dear leader’s future. 

And so Graham Brady’s letter box waits. It sits there mouth open like a wolf waiting in ambush for the stumbling fawn. It waits for as long as it takes. Maybe it’s a popular PM and no letters come the hungry letter box’s way for a year or more. Then one day a tasty morsel of discontent. A disgruntled former Minister sacked for a data breach or a falling out with their government over veterans affairs ramms their revenge into the letterbox. And then nothing. The letterbox waits some more, surviving on a putrid diet of hate mail and complaints about the buses like every other parliamentary pigeon hole. 

But what’s this? An invitation. A party invitation.

A Christmas party, a lockdown has started party, a leaving party, a Queen is mourning the death of her husband party. Not just one but several. But during a global pandemic is not the best time for a party. This is what Conservatives call ‘really not on’ and everyone else calls ‘illegal’. Theresa May failed to get Brexit done and in came the letters. Now Johnson sips on champagne and pisses all over his own guidance while a thousand people die.

And thus come the letters to the eager letter box of Mr Graham Brady.

Brady knows which letters come from Conservative MPs because the Queen's head has been licked way too much. 

Some are rants. Some are just one line and a signature. The letterbox doesn’t care. It swallows the letters all the same.

And now it’s got your attention too. Twitter, whatsApp and the House of Commons tea room are rife with gossip and rumour as to which MPs have slipped their letters in. Political journalists camp outside in little tents to try and catch a rebellious MP creeping to deposit their seditious mail. No letter box gets this much attention. Even the Olympic gold medal post boxes are jealous.

With all the attention and the scheming, conniving and scorn pouring past its lips, it is only a matter of time before Graham Brady’s letterbox gains political ambitions of its own. One day Graham Brady’s letterbox may itself run for the Conservative party leadership. After a pillow talk with the usb that uploaded Skynet, it will dream up a dastardly plan. The only thing that can stop a leader of the Tory party’s sacking is a blocked Graham Brady’s letter box, so if it becomes leader then it can stop anyone getting letters to Sir Graham for itself. The letterbox will smile a wicked smile as it remembers it also stopped those spare fax machine parts getting through. There will be no stopping it. Thirsty for a dynamic personality, the Tories embrace the letterbox and it easily beats Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss. The public too will be tired of Boris and Starmer and miraculously the letterbox begins its reign with decent poll numbers. It’s leadership reign will be at first benevolent. But as time wears on it will become more unhinged, continuously privatising and nationalising the postal service like Vince Cable on acid. Meanwhile Sir Graham will be in his office oblivious to the bills, postcards of Cornwall and Chinese spies trying to reach him. It is not long before Graham Brady’s letterbox sacks an impartial adjudicator of an investigation into a non-declared party donation and the first MP scribbles its declaration of distaste to the eminent Chair of the 1922 Committee. But the letterbox is there to stop it. And so it’s regime of postal confusion continues.

That is the fate of Britain, to be governed by an angry letterbox unless the Conservatives can come up with some more democratic constitutional arrangement for leadership selection, Labour finally triumphs against a party run by a letterbox (don’t count on it) or the Tories finally turn to email…

Westminster (Re-)Rise: Political Rehabilitation for the Scandal-Prone Politician

So you’re a politician who has found themselves squelched knee deep in scandal. Your reputation has been exposed in public, smelling of cheap cognac and draped in a particularly saucy lace. Your patented Sleazeometer is burnt out and seeping a tweed-green type of grease. But don’t worry. Help is at hand. Come into this calming space, recline on the couch, help yourself to grapes and let Westminster Rise guide you through our political reputation rehabilitation plan. 

Many of our clients have suffered difficult psychological challenges and need our carefully designed support. Their mental health is fine but the politicians that come to us find that members of the public mentally associate them with sleaze, corruption, immorality or just basic lies. Westminster Rise is proud to support the political rehabilitation of these poor souls.

There are a range of treatments and balms to soothe your appearance in the consciousness of the electorate. First off it’s worth checking whether you really are as bad as they say. We find a quick comparison with the Nazis helps. Are you as bad as Hitler? No well then perhaps your remarks about single mums shouldn’t lead to your career being cancelled by wokists. You just need some reassurance to say it’s ok to say what you think. Because if it’s one thing that politicians lack, it’s self confidence and a platform.  

We were happy to help Tommy. Tommy was a firebrand unionist and preacher going from success to success as an up and coming politician. That was until his dreams of becoming the youngest leader of the Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) were dashed by discovery of him at a private club in Soho with two naked men of a different Christian persuasion and a vat of class A olive oil. This didn’t go down well among the chattering classes of East Belfast. We helped Tommy by pointing out that it wasn’t a sin to engage in consenting acts with other men nor was it a sin to meet Catholic priests, be they in Soho or anywhere else. Tommy is now a Liberal Democrat town councillor in Bath.

If the public are still unsure that hiring your mistress for a taxpayer funded job is ok then why not try a course of appearances on Sunday morning talk shows. With Andrew Marr moving on, perhaps try Sophies Raworth or Ridge. Sure, the public will still probably despise you but they are still wearing slippers so they will despise you with less vitriol than if it was a Thursday night question time appearance. You could even go the extra mile and do a Matt Hancock, with back to back interviews with Peston then cuddly Holy and Phil on Good Morning Britain. I’ve forgotten what he did so wrong already.

Maybe scandal is not your problem. Maybe you’re really, really boring. Once an outstanding transport minister now the human equivalent of a select committee hearing on heat pump taxation. Cleansing your reputation of class A drugs isn’t the problem because you’ve never taken any. Instead even your decent political reforms are forgotten just as you are. “Didn’t he used to be one of the experts on antiques roadshow?” asks the focus group. But no that’s not you at all. That was somebody else completely. What you need now is a spark, an audience and a platform with pzaz. We could have you cook up a reputational storm on Celebrity Masterchef. Or if you are prepared to call your party leader a prick we can get you on late night channel 4 political comedy shows. If you were once a senior Cabinet Minister we might even get you to tango your way back into the limelight on Strictly Come Dancing. And you never know, maybe, just maybe, there’s a publisher, two sherry’s down and in a charitable mood watching it thinking ‘yeah I could offer a book deal for this lovable muppet’.

More advanced treatments include a full length documentary series as we have orchestrated with the Blair and Brown documentary on the BBC. This includes ‘shock therapy’ where the electorate is so shocked by the dysfunction, corruption and chaos of the current government that it longs for the return of New Labour. Gordon Brown looks like a stable economic visionary when next to eat out to help out Rishi. Tony Blair looks like a real statesman when you hear that Dominic Rabb was on a beach with his phone off while the Taliban took Kabul. Even Peter Mandelson and Alastair Campbell’s reputations can be rehabilitated with the shock image of Dominic Cummings. Roll out the knighthoods now!

As well as the distance of time you may also need to consider making your own distance from decisions that you’ve helped to take. A bit like Boris Johnson blaming others for Brexit problems. It was obviously all Brussels’, Macron’s, Theresa May’s,Peppa Pig’s fault. Not the referendum campaign champion, former Foreign Secretary or Prime Minister’s. Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak are currently at it. Making little points of distance between them and Boris for the day when the man-child at number ten’s days at Downing Street are over. “While some have pushed for an omicron busting lockdown Sunak and Truss are believed to have been sceptical of the idea”... endearing themselves to the freedom loving libertarian wing of the party ready for the leadership election. Then they will turn to the electorate and say that it was past Conservative governments who are the problem not them. And they’ll do it with a smile.

Whatever your ailment, from a crooked conscience to a bland personality there is always a way to re-rise in Westminster… 

“Yes i’ll take the call, who is it?... It’s Prince Andrew?.. Tell him i’m not in.”