CorvidSketch Episode XI: The Russia Report and the Committee Chair Who Went Out Into the Cold

So where should we start in this pantomime of shadows? It was a dark and stormy evening when the conspirators hatched their plot. OK that's a lie. It was a Wednesday afternoon and the weather was warm with a touch of cloud. The conspiracy in question was a strange double cross to deny the government of the day it's prize candidate for Chair of the Intelligence and Security Committee. In the backrooms of the corridors of power.... OK no that's a lie too. In the zoom breakout groups of power... Labour and the SNP hatched a sneaky scheme. Worried as they were, that if Failing Chris Grayling took the Chairmanship their committee would be neither intelligent nor secure, they set about nominating a Tory challenger.

Julian Lewis was the man. Having sat on the committee before and previously chaired the influential Defence Committee he looked like a competent choice. Surprisingly the fact that he is the only MP who doesn't use email was not grounds to bar him from selection. With one vote in it to decide whether the Government got their Grayling, Mr Julian Lewis was the decider aaaannnddd voted for himself. So Number 10's strategy of 'nominate Grayling' ended in a failing. Shock. The government is not supposed to nominate anyone for the job as it's chosen by parliament... so to prove this they kicked Julian out of the Tory party. Not only have they not got their man, they've pissed off the candidate who replaced him. I am sure he won't hold it against them next time he is scrutinising their policies.

With the Committee now chaired it could finally release the 'Russia report' into Russian influence in UK elections and referendums. Of course, no one has actually read the Russia report. But they have read a summary on the BBC, checked Carole Cadwalladr's twitter feed and watched the interview where Steward Hosie becomes an MP we've now heard of.

The report found that Russian influence in the UK is the new normal. Successive Governments have welcomed the oligarchs and their money with open arms, providing them with a means of recycling illicit finance through the London ‘laundromat’. Presumably we are talking a laundromat that takes currency larger than pound coins..... Sh*t! my laundry!

.....

....

Sorry. Where was I? The report also suggests that Russia has sought to influence political processes including the Scottish Independence and EU referendums. It goes on to say that the government has juggled this issue like a 'hot potato' and failed to adequately respond to the threat of interference.

In response to critics calling Boris Johnson stupid for not doing more to counter Russia, the Prime Minister revealed that he had recently taken an intelligence test like his American counterpart. They asked him to remember a series of words: Person. Woman. Man. Party. Donations. Conflict. Interest.

The report though was perhaps not the polonium spiked bombshell some were expecting. This may have been in part because swathes of the report were redacted. It is therefore impossible to know whether allegations that a senior Conservative Minister *** *** and a prominent oligarch *** with a grapefruit, were considered by the report.

We may not know everything contained in the Russia report, but it has shone a light on the meddling interference in our otherwise perfect democracy. Hopefully someone will now do something about it. And we can all drink to that! 'Nostrovia'!

CORVID-19 denies any allegation that this sketch was delayed due to political reasons. All sketches on matters of Russian influence in satire go through a rigorous security vetting and review process before they are published and this inevitably takes a while.

CorvidSketch Episode X: Super Saturday at the Westminster Arms

It's been a long lockdown. For many MPs it's difficult to tell whether their thirst was greater for a drink at the local pub or the adoration of small businesses in their constituency. If they were delivered ice cold and photographed for social media or the local paper so much the better.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was unable to down a yard of ale because the pub was booked up so settled for a half at the Ring O'Bells. Others took the super responsible, 'here's a pic of my pub lunch' approach. CSI Starmmer cradled a cheeky can of BrewDog's Barnard Castle Eye Test.

Others were less dignified. One can only assume that Liz Truss had one too many peach Bellini's at the Red Lion in Thetford when she found herself scaling a fence at the local Zoo and taking pictures with a camel.

Theresa May, popped by the Crown in Maidenhead to consume a whole bucket of ice, fuel for her cold hard stare every time she thinks Gove is chatting nonsense about the National Security Adviser.

Meanwhile Nigel Farage tweeted that he was first in line for the Queen's Head. Local media reported that pint-eager Nige queued overnight like Harry Potter fans not put off by Rowling's latest work, 'Harry Potter and the gender identity of doom'.

To prove he has what it takes to lead the Liberal Democrats, Ed Davey has written to the Home Secretary telling on Nigel for possibly breaking quarantine. In response, Mr Farage has politely told Mr Davey to go back to where he came from before yelling Make America Great Again and falling off his bar stool. Commentators also believe that Nigel Farage has acquired super powers allowing him to simultaneously appear in multiple pubs around the country while staying at home and appearing at a Trump rally in Tulsa.

Stanley Johnson had a similar idea, ordering an Ouzo at his local bar. He managed to get to Greece a week before his son's government advised that non-essential travel was ok again. Breaking Foreign Office guidance is not illegal so a fine is out of the question but perhaps he could consider resigning as the Prime Minister's father instead.

Back in England, turnout at the pubs was lower than expected as some MPs were doubtful of the wisdom of government guidelines. Presumably Caroline Lucas has her own stash of nettle beer and Diane Abbott a well-stocked gin cupboard. If only she could remember how many bottles there were.

What should we drink to? Ssscchhh Scchhtttaaayyyiiinnn Alerrrrrrrrrrrrrrt and Shaving Lives?

CorvidSketch Episode IX: The Return of the Beautiful Game

After a hiatus the action returns and we have all you need to know about this week's fun and games...

Marcus Rashford kicked off things, scoring an absolute blinder against Boz Johnson playing for Conservative dis-United. Johnson had hoped to sneak the ending of school meal vouchers over the holidays past players and commentators alike, until a superb tackle from Rashford forced an embarrassing U-turn. In the after match press conference, Johnson defended his decision saying he didn't know poor people could become famous. But fellow team mates expressed disappointment, pointing out that making kids go hungry during a pandemic was always going to be an own goal.

The Premier League made several symbolic gestures in support of those protesting racial injustice in the UK and North America. But not everyone agreed with the decision to put 'Black Lives Matter' on the back of players' shirts. "Of course black lives matter," insisted Priti Patel as she signed the deportation order for a gay Nigerian man who's asylum claim was rejected, "I just don't see why people need to go on about it". Players have also been allowed to take a knee during the opening of matches. Dominic Raab told a radio interviewer that he thought the whole thing was from Game of Thrones, presumably believing that Colin Kapaernick sacrificed his NFL career to protest the unjust treatment of Ned Stark.

Off the field, there has been controversy in the board room. The Department for International Development (DFID) saw a change in management during a hostile take-over by the Foreign and Commonwealth Office (FCO). Despite being an effective team, frequently coming top of league tables on government transparency and effectiveness, it is to be merged with the FCO. Former Conservative dis-United manager, David Cameron criticised the move and ex-DFID coach Andrew Mitchell described it as a 'quite extraordinary mistake'. But the government has remained resolute, arguing DFID has "been treated as a giant cash point in the sky". In unrelated news, the Prime Minister spent £900,000 painting the UK team colours onto Number-10's jet, presumably a good use of tax-payer's money drawn from the Cabinet Office's own cash point in the sky.

They hoped it wasn't over, it is now.

CorvidSketch: Episode VIII: You got problems? Join the queue!

"What the fuck am i doing here?" is probably what your local MP was thinking as they joined the socially distanced, 45 minute long queue to vote in the House of Commons last week. Jacob Rees-Mogg has brought them all back from staying home and saving lives to ensure that democracy is upheld and people vote in person rather than join the nation on zoom. They could vote digitally from home, rocking a classic pj/suit combo, but this won't do for Mogg. So back they come. Ironically to vote on whether they want to continue voting in person or not.

So while the world watched protests against racial injustice spread and nations continued to grapple with the nightmare of corona our politicians spent 45 being peak British. From the green leather covered Commons to the drafty echo chamber of Westminster Hall and out under the cloudy sky above New Palace Yard they lined up. Bemused protesters stared at them through the railings.

Where was your MP? Perhaps she was the one who fainted (true story). We don't know why? Was it due to an underlying health condition or the sheer ridiculousness of the situation?

Perhaps you have the member for Birmingham Yardley. You can imagine Jess Phillips yelling at the statue of Gladstone, "this is a disgrace"! Perhaps your MP is a little calmer, quietly sneaking out of the line for five minutes. Returning with a little snort and a wink. Were they doing snuff? We are sure it must be snuff. Maybe your MP was simply checking their phone and having a 2 meter apart chat over fishing policy.

I am sure even this simple task confused some of them. Bob Seeley might have been having a barbecue half way down the queue with his favourite journalists and cocktails. Mark Francois MP mis-interpreted the whole reason for queuing and joined the line clutching a ration book he'd made himself.

And at the far end there was complete confusion as the line of MPs waiting to vote collided with the socially distanced queue for Tesco's express outside Westminster tube. One of the local street cleaners ended up voting to support an amendment to continue digital business in the House and Lloyd Russell Moyle MP found himself with a packet of mini sausage rolls and a Fanta.

In the end the MPs carried out their vote a whole half an hour longer than normal. Unless of course they were one of the many MPs who were shielding due to health issues, pregnancy or concerned about being on public transport for 7 hours while travelling twice a week from the Highlands to London. Voting digitally like they have been doing in the past few weeks would of course solve this issue but no that's not what British democracy is about. Why have a fully inclusive 2 minute digital vote, when you could queue instead?

CorvidSketch Episode VII: Policy Cummings and Goings

The purpose of government is to create policies which hopefully make life easier for the population which they govern. Sometimes these policies are unpopular in which case the government makes speeches, writes articles and gives interviews to defend the policies. With the saga of Dominic Cumming's tour of the North a new model of politics has emerged: creating policy to defend the government...

It all began when Cummings drove a cow with bowel problems and an industrial fan up to Durham and then on to a beauty spot at Barnard Castle. This was despite him being the architect of the government's 'Stay at Home> Don't transport diarrhea-suffering cattle and heavy duty airflow technology > Save Lives' slogan.

At first there was the familiar story: politician looks like they've done something stupid, someone calls for their resignation, they give an explanation and everyone who likes them defends them in the hope it all goes away. But then the crafty bastards at the Mirror and Guardian decided to provide evidence that the explanations might have been, well, bullshit.

And then, said bull shit and those fans that Mr Cummings had been transporting collided in spectacular fashion. Surely he was going to resign now?

No came the answer and don't call me Shirley.

But a normal defence wasn't going to be enough, sure the Torries could just tell everyone he had acted properly but the people were not buying it. Even worse they were doing the unthinkable, writing to their MPs and demanding answers!

Something special was going to be needed to defend Dom. Then someone (was it Dom?) came up with a brilliant idea. What if we change policy so that Dom is always in the right, even if he wasn't?

Matt Hancock was up first. "Yes of course we'll look into reviewing all fines imposed under the lockdown laws". That's right, rather than sack one senior adviser for a rule breaking trip to a beauty spot, a cabinet minister was willing to change how the law was enforced for everyone, undoing probably the only thing the government has got right in it's response to COVID-19.

Next came Michael Gove, who being an ambitious fellow, tried to outdo Hancock by claiming that to test his eyesight he regularly gets in statistically the most lethal type of machine in the country and drive it around. Ooops i've just hit a pensioner, i guess i'll book myself an eye test. He was half way through the sentence when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and the man who stabbed Boris's first leadership attempt in the back thought, "nah this is low even for me".

While a large number of Conservative MPs have rightly expressed concerns at this approach or even called for Cummings to get going, there are fears that changing policy to defend the government might catch on. Mark Francois MP has been toying with idea of invading Germany just to make Boris look more Churchillian. [At this point I genuinely checked to see if Mark Francois was one of the 40+ Tory MP's who have criticised Cummings' behaviour, a quick google suggests he is not. This is what you get Francois, a joker who no-one's heard of and has only ten facebook likes cracking whimsy at your expense. HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT?!]

Hancock and Gove may have been recent advocates of the 'change policy to defend the government approach' but it is possible they were inspired by early pioneers. Andy Coulson is thought to have suggested changing licensing laws so David Cameron could leave his daughter at the pub again.

The Institute of Government is concerned that this could set a dangerous precedent for future governments. CSI Starmmer could reform the House of Commons to be more like a court room, giving him an unfair advantage at Prime Minister's Questions. And the Lib Dems could spend tax payer's money on testing and tracing Lib Dem MPs, just so the public remember they still exist.

It's hoped that this move is just a one off, but with Cummings not expected to leave his job for another 6 months, there is a long bullshit covered road ahead. A bit like the one to Barnard Castle

Episode VI: United in Confusion

When else has this country stood together against a tenacious foe? When else has neighbour stood by neighbour in defiance of those who would oppress them? No not VE Day but last week when the whole country was unified together, flying flags and having unsanctioned street parties, all to commemorate the spectacular self destruction of the government's lockdown advice.

The move on from Staying Home, Protecting the NHS and Saving Lives brought everyone together in bafflement, confusion and an industrial revolution in witty memes and gags at the government's expense. Staying Alert to the possibility of either a change in regulatory guidelines or a mild trip up, millions had gathered to watch the Prime Minister's recorded message to the nation. There was nervous apprehension as Boris began his address.

Then,

slowly,

a deep rumble could be heard.

Growing louder and louder, like a pork pie rolling down a snow covered mountain.

Confusion, anger and raised eyebrows across the living rooms, lounges and commuter journeys of Britain... until.... the cacophony became clear:

hahahahahahahahahaahhhahahahahah - pause - ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha - no wait seriously - hahaha - is he serious? hahahaha - wait you serious bruv?

And he was...

The twitterati leapt into the breach first as they always do, what did Staying Alert mean? Owen Jones went viral in less time than a pre-Castro Pontiac does 0-60mph. The public then joined the professionals and Jones was quickly outclassed by @Bethbabes96 in Billericay's meme of Boris's face on top of Captain Mannering's shoulders. @ScunthorpeDoug's karaoke hollering of Stayin' Alert to the tune of the Begee's classic surpassed this again. Primary schools classes were quick to point out that adding a rate of re-infection of 0.9 to total infections of around 200,000 was not going to equals a number between 1 and 5. Meanwhile Rachel Riley dived across the room for the nearest gin bottle.

The politicians were next. CSI Starmmer had an uphill struggle. He had been expecting to make a forensic deconstruction of the government's numbers on the amount of PPE in Huddersfield. Instead he walked in on a massacre of consistent messaging. Arterial bullshit was sprayed across the walls and liquid incompetence dripping off the ceiling. "I was going to have a polite, mild mannered conversation about how your statistics could be misinterpreted." he yelled across the deserted green benches of the House of Commons, "but you've balls it all up. Do i do the messaging, the colour change, the maths? What the fuck do you want from me?" Boris merely stared blankly at him. "I can't be a constructive opposition like this. I'll have to get bloody Jeremy back". Which was unnerving because Corbyn was sat behind him.

Elsewhere, numerous dependable champions abandoned the government's exploding ship. Government scientists distanced themselves from the guidelines, the Financial Times suggested we might have to go eco-friendly and Dominic Raab urged radio 4 listeners to ignore government advice and encouraged them all to go and visit Boris Johnson's family as long as we didn't count them or hire them as cleaners.

In entertainment news, Satan declared that Piers Morgan was no longer invited to his summer lava party after repeatedly engaging in something that critics are calling "journalism" and "scrutiny of the government".

Even Conservative MP, Mark Francois managed a practical joke at the government's expense. Jumping out of the bushes by the garden path to test the postwoman. "Stay Alert" he yelled as letters went everywhere, "careless talk costs lives".

Unnamed government sources suggest that they are hoping the rate of new mockery to start falling from mid-June and the laughter curve will flatten by the end of July as long as there is not another spike in stupidity from the government. Until then, they warned that the public would be sniggering at them quite a lot...

Personally I didn't think it was that bad... but what do i know. I'm just a satirist

CorvidSketch Episode V: Welcome to the World Baby Whatsit

Becoming Prime Minister, a divorce, a new mistress, making her a fiance, covid-19, intensive care and now a new child: Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas de Pefeffled Everywhere Churchill Ataturk Johnson. It's enough to take it out of a man. You can imagine him, after a long day of doing what Dom tells him, collapsing into his favourite armchair and savouring a glass of vintage claret. With Carrie asleep, Matt Hancock momentarily distracted and his blackberry hidden in a teapot, Boris has just enough time to open the last remaining presents welcoming baby Wilfred into the world.

A rather bulky present from Michael Gove. He had kindly bought the child a mini stab proof vest and a card, "It's reinforced on the back, in case you know what happens. Luke warm regards, Daddy's friend Michael"... hmmm.

Stars and stripes wrapping, who could this be from? Concerned that any delivery would have an impact on the great people at the US Postal service, Donald had sent a private jet over to RAF Northolt with a subscription to hustler magazine and a bottle of Dettol. "To baby Boris Jr, you'll know what to do, you have a great Dad, some say the second best in the whole world". Perhaps not mused Boris. At least he couldn't fuck up as bad as the Donald, in fatherhood or running the country.

Next a present for Boris, from Jacob Rees Mogg no less: a blazer with the words, 'vidi vici veni' stitched in gold thread followed by the number six in roman numerals. Child number six? That's what Jacob thinks, chuckled Boris mentally patting himself on the back. Jacob doesn't know what happened with the receptionist at the Hilton la Bongo Bongo. Or was it the hotel owner? He could never remember. God he missed the Foreign Office.

Oh this is nice, nappies for the baby, some relaxing bubble bath for Carrie and a celebratory bottle of Cognac for Boris. From Dom! Actual Dominic Cummings. Crikey that was unexpected, so thoughtful. Boris's phone buzzed, 'You were fucking shit at PMQs. I'm pulling you from the Marr interview'. Haha that's more like it, classic Dom.

Priti Patel next, a British citizenship test, "What fun" chuckled Boris, "Just like Odysseus testing the loyalty of Penelope so Pretty is testing little Wilfred's loyalty to Britannia." There was also a letter explaining that if Wilfred failed he would be deported to Turkey. I should really reign her in, Boris thought. He suspected that left unchecked she'd carry on deporting until it was just her left, sat in the Tower of London yelling at the ravens to detain themselves.

There were a few items left, a jar of courgette chutney from Corbyn, a copy of the European Convention on Human Rights from Kier and a box of face masks from Matt Hancock.

Bloody facemasks, so that's where they've all gone thought Boris.

"Someone should really do something about that... or at least address the nation about it"...