CorvidSketch Episode XV: Give the Gift of 2020

In normal times, one year will hand over to the next at a slightly tipsy party with fireworks and singing. The outgoing year might offer some sage words of advice to the incomer, ‘Watch out for foot and mouth, Berlusconi and Gemini but you’ll enjoy the Spice Girls reunion’. The youngster smiles with excitement and kicks things off with a New Years special of Holby City, some great bargains and a mini-Cabinet Reshuffle. This December 31st you can only hope the new year quietly takes 2020 out the back and flicks the safety off the bolt gun.

Given that scientists have now declared 2020 to be,’very shit’ it’s tempting for me to take a sip of red and darkly smirk at its worst moments. However, this time of year should be one of merriment, joy and generosity. So instead here is a run down of some of the gifts that 2020 has given us among the bleakest moments:

UNITY IN A TIME OF DIVISION: Back in March, just as the enormity of the crisis of this year was becoming clear, celebrities led by actress Gal Gadot came together to sing a line by line cover of John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’. Against a backdrop of growing feelings of division, Brexiteer and Remainer, Trumpist and Democrat, BLM and Boogaloo boy came together in universal consensus and agreed that this really was the worst moment in music history. Whatever we needed to cope with 2020, it was the opposite of this. The team behind Crazy Frog and a 7 year old violinist in Swansea breathed an almighty sigh of relief having been knocked off the top spot for crimes against melody. The folks at Crazy Frog are even looking forward to being released back into normal society, just as soon as this bastard pandemic is over.

A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP As America voted perilously close to a 2nd term for Mad King Donald, the world breathed a sigh of relief when Sleepy ‘probs not a racist’ Joe was elected President. They were relieved a further 50 times as various attempts to discount the election collapsed and the electoral college eventually made it Facebook official that Biden will be the next President of the United States. A number of British politicians, unsure as to whether America was still a British colony or not, made colossal arses of themselves in their reactions. John Redwood MP sent a threatening letter to the most powerful man on the planet over expressing any sort of American policy preferences on Brexit. Lord Kilclooney described Kamala Harris as ‘the Indian’, a phrase he also used instead of referring by name to former Irish Tiaosech, Leo Vradkar. It is only hoped that the Biden administration has simply confused Kilclooney for Prince Philip and assumed that our racists aren’t in any position of power.

A SACKING FULL OF FOND FAREWELLS Ding Dom Merrily on High, the bells of westminster are ringing! Ringing to herald the end of a political reign by the PM’s right hand data demon, Dominic Cummings. While arch-Brexiteers are likely to attract a certain amount of bile from remainers, Cummings’ departure was a particularly sweet moment of joy. So why is the love child of Gollum and the Wachowski sisters so hated? Putting a £350bn lie on the side of a bus was probably one factor. Decimating what had been a reasonably competent covid-19 communications strategy with a poorly judged, vehicle-based, eye test at Barnard castle, another factor. And then there was just being a bit of a bully. Much like Priti Patel. Who so far has managed not to offend the Prime Minister’s other puppet master, Carrie Symonds. Until the Priti-Stick Career Glue wears off there will just be one less arrogant political gremlin in Whitehall.

SANTA’S LITTLE HELPERS: As many have retreated inside working from home bubbles, nurses, doctors, cleaners, shop staff and delivery drivers have kept society functioning. For many they are the heroes of 2020 and a national weekly round of applause is the least we can do. Others have gone further, uttering radical sentiments that the people who care for your health and food supplies are important every year and perhaps a pay rise would be better than a clap. Their bosses have certainly done well, particularly private health companies and delivery companies such as Amazon. Amazon CEO and world’s wealthiest man, Jeff Bezos added an extra $24billion to his fortune this year alone. Incidentally Jeff Bezos now refuses to have stockings hung in his home on Christmas Eve, so as not to encourage ‘the competition’.

They say that if you cover shit with glitter, it’s still shit. So conversely, these little sparkles of good news must still be glitter despite being lathered in the manure which has been much of 2020. In 2021 let’s hope for a sanitised and hygienic metaphorical waste disposal system and a lot more sparkle. Merry Christmas...

Corvid Sketch: The Road to Brexit - Expect Queues

 

Originally posted 8th December 2020

As the ancient Chinese proverb goes: the road to Brexit is paved with poor intentions, fishing tensions and Macron’s election apprehensions. Yes, while you are busy worrying about whether you have enough room in the bubble to squeeze in your nan or not, the broken down truck of Brexit trundles on. It’s almost at its scheduled destination, just state aid, quotas, long waits, Boris himself and the threat of Kentish secessionism in the way now.

So where are we at? Well the transition period expires on the 1st January. No deal is looking likely but negotiations are continuing. The sticking points appear to be whether the prospect of UK state assistance to companies trading with the EU have an unfair advantage. Plus a political bargain to be made on fishing access. The nearer European neighbours want their fleets to be able to fish UK waters and many Brexit-voting fishermen don’t want that to happen. But in retaliation said neighbours are willing to withhold access to mainland fish markets for British exporters.

Does something smell fishy here? (Yeah i went there. Sorry. Corvid-19 is legally required to make that joke, that’s EU comedy regulations for you). Yes something does smell fishy… one of the biggest blockers (apart from Boris) is President Macron, facing an election in 2022 and in current polling he’s dipping below the acceptable face of facism, Marie Le Pen. Like so many European centrists, Macron is trying to out-hardline the hardliners with halibut the unlikely battle/fishing ground.

France isn’t the only close ally upset with Britain’s Brexiting. Incoming US President Joe Biden has made a particular point of warning the UK not to undermine the Good Friday Agreement. One of the most curious responses to his election came from the latest of our series of backbench MPs you’ve never heard of, John Redwood. The Member for Wokingham penned a letter to the President-elect claiming Brexiteers had a bigger mandate than the President and concerns about an Irish hard border were ‘false EU rumours’. In other news, incoming US security chiefs have added the name ‘Osama Bin-John Redwood’ to their predator drone target list.

Meanwhile preparations for our deal or no-deal, red, white and blue Brexit are looking particularly grey. Grey being the colour of the concrete being poured for a 1,700 truck Lorry park in Kent. Overlooked by the picturesque 13th century church in Servington, the site will be used to hold queues of vehicles waiting to clear customs checks at the border. Aside from fears over pollution and noise, one of the biggest concerns is a potential increase in nearby dogging: the ancient British tradition of engaging in group sex at 4am in a vVolvo parked in a layby.

It’s not just carnal fun in cars that the county of Kent is courting, but a new land border with the rest of England. Before they join the 48 hour queue of earthly pleasures, lorry drivers will not be able to enter the county unless they have paperwork ready for the border - essentially creating another border. The world being what it is - this has spawned a number of twitter based Kentish independence movements… and i’m only 52% sure they are joking...

Time for a resolution is getting tight. As of Monday evening, the negotiators on both sides had come to a stalemate. Boris and European Commission President, Ursula von der Leyen will meet later in the week to try and find a breakthrough. As if the stakes couldn’t get any higher, no deal Brexit may result in huge border queues putting a certain frozen coronavirus vaccine at risk. Who knew mRNA would hate sitting in a lorry for hours on end as much as the rest of us?

Luckily, despite the UK getting ourselves into this mess, mis-Education Secretary Gavin Williamson has popped up to remind us that we are the greatest country in the world because we authorised the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine first. You know, better than the Germans who funded it, Turkey who produced the scientists who designed it and the Belgians who manufacture it. Not to mention the French laughing their heads of because they are on the side of Calais closest to production! Viva la vaccine!

* Corvid-19 would like to apologise if any details in this sketch or associated ranting is inaccurate. Mid-way through researching Brexit, the author lost the will to live and threw themselves off the White Cliffs of Dover, narrowly missing Nigel Farage in a gunboat at the bottom. Upon death, the author was met by three spirits, acting on behalf of UK Border Force. It was promptly explained that attempting to exit this mortal realm via the edge of the Kent special area without filling out the requisite forms was a violation of the Customs Bill. The author was subsequently fined £85 and sent back to where they f*cking came from, namely life.

Introducing our new sponsor: Priti-Stick Career Glue

 

Review: The return of Spitting Image & Jim Carrey comes to SNL

As 2020 went from shit to worse, an emergency committee of satirists and comedians was urgently convened to consider the crisis. The year was bad, the government was mad and the comedy was good but just not heavy duty enough to reach the needed levels of lampooning. Once upon a time The Thick of It, Amando Iannuci’s subtle piss-take of New Labour and the Coalition years, tickled the need for a chuckle at the politicians expense. But as politics overtook fiction in ridiculousness, poor Amando was forced to search history for a time that was less depressingly bonkers: the death of Stalin. Nowadays Michael Spicer’s The Room Next Door, Meggie Foster’s lip-synching & Munya Chawawa’s news reworking could force a smile from the hardest audience. But this was the year of Boris, Brexit, global pandemics, Trump’s attempt to railroad American democracy… Something more was needed. ‘Could we un-mummify Chirs Morris of Brasseye fame?’ the comedy crisis committee mused. ‘We’ve already re-calibrated Frankie Boyle from mocking the Queen’s privates to feminism with Sarah Pascoe.’ But it wasn’t enough. Then an idea occurred to this dark council of piss-takers, parodists and caricaturists. A dark, twisted, felt covered idea buried in the caverns of comedy history. The sacred keys were unearthed, the locks unlocked and the dark cupboards opened…. For the first time in two decades… they reached into the shadows and pulled out for the world to see….

FUCKING PUPPETS.

That’s right folks, the inglorious return of Spitting Image! The satirical puppet show that skewed the 1980s and roasted the early 1990s. It would go after the most powerful politicians and the cream of celebrity culture. Everyone from Margaret Thatcher to Mick Jagger was immortalised and destroyed in grotesque puppet form. Whether its return is a much needed injection of comedy or an ultimately doomed attempt to plug streaming site Britbox, we shall see. For now we can chuckle away as Boris; his ninja Foreign Secretary, Dominic Raab; dominatrix, Priti Patel and; alien adviser, Mr Cummings himself, do their best to ru(i)n the country.

For those who feel that there is a deeply unfair left wing bias in comedy, fear not! These puppets aren't just a threat to your educational privilege, decades in political power and tax avoiding millions, there's some poking of the lefties too. Greta Thunberg tries to save West Ham Football Club and Speaker Pelosi appropriates every voter bloc and their culture she can.

As the United Kingdom turned to puppets, the USA also looked for a heavy duty comedy tool to cut through the political boulders tearing through society. We can imagine the Vice-Presidents of the Federation of America’s Comedians casting around for the comic equivalent of black and decker. What could blast away the bullshit of an election where everyone is rooting for one sex pest because the other is so much worse? And there, presumably conducting a vuvuzela and kazoo orchestra in an abandoned theatre, the producers of Saturday Night Live found Jim Carrey.

As SNL’s Joe Biden you get what Carrey is needed for, the patented Carrey grin. “That’s why we are going to win in November’ grin; “that’s why the American people back us”, grin; “Oh shut up Mr President “ grin. Complete with classy shades, Carrey is just your regular Joe served with a smile and a story about the good old days (2009-17). In some ways that does make for more nuanced satire, at least compared to the self satirising Donald Trump. The addition of some bubbling anger management issues or an audience sing along are the equivalent of adding a subtle vanilla pod to Joe Biden’s home-made custard recipe.

Parts of these shows do feel crude. In Spitting Image you might only wince once when Priti Patel appears as a dominatrix but pity the poor craftsman who was asked to sow together the puppet for Trump’s penis. Some of the classic Jim Carrey stage antics feel a little out of place for sleepy Joe. It is these moments that might make us nostalgic for the good old days of nerdy wit and wordsmithing rather than grotesque caricature. Sure Carrey and celeb puppets might hit a broader audience but what about the laughter conjured by Kate Mkinnon’s Hilary Rodham Clinton, Ha. Ha. Ha. Hah. Or the angry outburst of Malcom Tucker as he loses control, “it’s like the Shawshank Redemption but more crawling through shit and no redemption”.

But maybe we are just nostalgic for a time when these impressions echoed a different class of politicians: a chatter of mildly baffling incompetents, only deadly in any sense if you were a poor person caught by austerity or an Iraqi. Now Covid-19 and climate change are set to ravage the middle classes from Hampshire to the Hamptons too, dry wit doesn’t really cut it. And of course there’s always the risk of the ultimate act to kill satire, President Trump launching nuclear war against twitter user @BasildonBernieFan4eva96. Maybe satire fans of an earlier era could have done something about this, got out from behind their ivory streaming service and tried to have a non-patronising conversation with their fellow citizens. Who knows, perhaps it’s not too late. In the meantime, at least we’ll all have a laugh together.

Episode XIII: All Conference, No Party

In a normal year, assorted politicians, hacks and political nerds would take the coming of autumn chills as a sign heralding the start of party conference season. 2020 being 2020 means even the political elites aren’t allowed their fun, unless you enjoy road-based eye tests of course or visiting your second home. So this year, conference has gone digital.

In previous years the political classes traipse out of London, round up assorted union & party members from the Shires and cities and descend on poor Birmingham, Glasgow, Manchester, Cardiff, Liverpool or Brighton. The attendees pack into seminar rooms and venue halls to hear their favourite politician or a lucky corporate sponsor. The locals meanwhile grab a placard and protest outside against the proposed local bypass, wind farm, incinerator or incarceration of ‘the wrongly accused seven’. Alternatively they are caught by predatory journalists and forced to utter enlightened ‘reactions’ such as, “the Tories are in town? Never did like that Tony Blair”.

In the evenings everyone lets their hair down. Up and coming bloggers try and sidle up to Laura Kuensburg in Pizza Express. Young activists or recently elected county councilors try and ‘network’ with the party stars. Backbench MPs try and find the hottest party in town: karaoke with Emily Thornberry, billiards with Rees-Mogg, a ceilidh with Nicola Sturgeon or sliding into a gimp suit/threading daisy chains with whoever is left in the Lib Dems.

Alas, not this year. This year the fun and games and political melodrama must be had from home or some other socially distanced venue which ticks the spin doctor’s box. CSI Starmmer found a red wall to stand in front of, in case his electoral intent wasn’t clear from his speech. And an interesting speech it was too. Parliament watchers are used to seeing CSI Starmmer unleash forensic deconstructions of the government’s tightest excuses. But with the disillusioned voters in Bolsover, Dudley and Wakefield squarely in his sights this was light in policy, heavy in values. Labour is no longer the Cuban revolutionaries of Corbyn determined to give the working classes a modest increase in wages and nationalising the energy sector… WE ARE BRITISH.

Hmmm as I said, interesting. Interesting: adj. Word which British people use to hide their real reaction. But can CSI Starmmer win a battle of patriotism against the Prime Minister? Boris couldn't be more patriotic: his hair is white, his face is red and his veins are blue. And he was born in America and who else is more patriotic than the Americans?

Labour isn’t Boris’s only problem. Political rivalries have emerged much closer to home, Number 11 to be precise. The Chancellor, Rishi Sunak is the only government minister with positive ratings in public perception surveys and he receives consistently good newspaper headlines. Poor Emperor Boris, who really thought he would be beloved by the people, must be groaning ‘Et tu Sunak?” which is a joke on the famous Latin phrase, “Et tu Michael Gove?”.

Meanwhile, students have been forced into a lockdown inside student halls they were told they must move in to. New restrictions have been introduced to cover pubs and restaurants and a national shut down is back on the cards. The government has been forced to take drastic measures. The National Security Council ordered a new series of the Great British Bake Off. The concern being that after a tough year if the public didn’t get some victoria sponge style feeling of goodness there’d be riots. So no, in these COVID-ly turbulent times, we can’t have our cake and eat it. But we can watch a bunch of strangers in a tent bake against each other in the closest the UK gets to the gladiators of Ancient Rome. For now it’ll have to do.

CorvidSketch: Episode XII Breaking the law in a limited and specific way

 

In the long list entitled 'Wait, what the f*ck has the government done now?', actually admitting they were intending to break the law was not an entry most people expected to see. Yep! Northern Ireland Secretary, Brendan Lewis has admitted that the new Internal Markets Bill will "break international law in a very specific and limited way". Basically they are going to break an internationally agreed treaty negotiated by the UK (Boris's oven-ready EU Withdrawal Agreement) by creating powers for Ministers to reinterpret said treaty and... break it. Following the Philippines President Duterte in admitting you kill suspected drug dealers, this most certainly isn't. But it's really not good for the government to admit they intend to break the law when they are the entity which is charged by the whole country, constitution, kit and caboodle, above anything else, with IMPLEMENTING. THE. LAW.

And will someone please think of the Ambassadors! Next time they go to criticise China for its treatment of the Uyghurs or urge Iran to abide by the nuclear deal, they will have Brendan Lewis' sorry admission quoted back to them faster than you can say "Ferrero Rochet".

The extraordinary admission was coaxed out by Bromley Conservative MP, Bob Neil. As soon as he heard it he looked like he wanted to un-hear it. This crow was surprised that he didn't channel the spirit of comedy giant and former teacher, Greg Davis:

"I'm sorry Minister, were you about to admit to breaking international law? Coz no one is supposed to admit they are breaking international law. So I'll ask you again Minister, 'will this break international law?' and you will reply 'No, the government tripped, sir'.".

Of course the connections between domestic and international law are complex and 'breaking international law in a specific and limited way sounds quite technical. This admission is not to be confused with that time Dominic Cummings was conducting an eye test at Barnard Castle in a specific and limited illegal way. Or breaking Boris Johnson's personal Conservative Manifesto commitment to get 'our new deal through Parliament' in a specific and limited way by.... legislating it back out of parliament...

The Justice Secretary, Robert Buckland, a man who has the demeanour of a cross between an ewok and a train spotter, has jumped up to defend the government line but there is a growing number of political figures who are deeply concerned. The government's Head of the Legal Department has resigned and numerous Conservative MPs have abstained on the bill or criticised the government.

Priti Patel is said to be conflicted over the argument. On the one hand, she has never been one for international law, having lobbied the Israeli military on land not recognised by the UK government when she was a Minister. On the other, she would love any excuse to arrest some of her cabinet colleagues just for shits and giggles.

Along with former Tory Attorneys General and party leaders, all living former Prime Ministers including 3 Conservatives have criticised Boris's move. Even everyone's famous moral herald Tony Blair, What's the one thing he is famous for above all else? Yes him! He has criticised the government for threatening to break international law!

Perhaps as the government announces further COVID restrictions it could announce an alternative rule of 6: if 5 prime ministers disagree with a decision then maybe it's time for the 6th to reconsider?

Anti- A Levels Algorithms: Grade D

 

CorvidSketch Episode XI: The Russia Report and the Committee Chair Who Went Out Into the Cold

So where should we start in this pantomime of shadows? It was a dark and stormy evening when the conspirators hatched their plot. OK that's a lie. It was a Wednesday afternoon and the weather was warm with a touch of cloud. The conspiracy in question was a strange double cross to deny the government of the day it's prize candidate for Chair of the Intelligence and Security Committee. In the backrooms of the corridors of power.... OK no that's a lie too. In the zoom breakout groups of power... Labour and the SNP hatched a sneaky scheme. Worried as they were, that if Failing Chris Grayling took the Chairmanship their committee would be neither intelligent nor secure, they set about nominating a Tory challenger.

Julian Lewis was the man. Having sat on the committee before and previously chaired the influential Defence Committee he looked like a competent choice. Surprisingly the fact that he is the only MP who doesn't use email was not grounds to bar him from selection. With one vote in it to decide whether the Government got their Grayling, Mr Julian Lewis was the decider aaaannnddd voted for himself. So Number 10's strategy of 'nominate Grayling' ended in a failing. Shock. The government is not supposed to nominate anyone for the job as it's chosen by parliament... so to prove this they kicked Julian out of the Tory party. Not only have they not got their man, they've pissed off the candidate who replaced him. I am sure he won't hold it against them next time he is scrutinising their policies.

With the Committee now chaired it could finally release the 'Russia report' into Russian influence in UK elections and referendums. Of course, no one has actually read the Russia report. But they have read a summary on the BBC, checked Carole Cadwalladr's twitter feed and watched the interview where Steward Hosie becomes an MP we've now heard of.

The report found that Russian influence in the UK is the new normal. Successive Governments have welcomed the oligarchs and their money with open arms, providing them with a means of recycling illicit finance through the London ‘laundromat’. Presumably we are talking a laundromat that takes currency larger than pound coins..... Sh*t! my laundry!

.....

....

Sorry. Where was I? The report also suggests that Russia has sought to influence political processes including the Scottish Independence and EU referendums. It goes on to say that the government has juggled this issue like a 'hot potato' and failed to adequately respond to the threat of interference.

In response to critics calling Boris Johnson stupid for not doing more to counter Russia, the Prime Minister revealed that he had recently taken an intelligence test like his American counterpart. They asked him to remember a series of words: Person. Woman. Man. Party. Donations. Conflict. Interest.

The report though was perhaps not the polonium spiked bombshell some were expecting. This may have been in part because swathes of the report were redacted. It is therefore impossible to know whether allegations that a senior Conservative Minister *** *** and a prominent oligarch *** with a grapefruit, were considered by the report.

We may not know everything contained in the Russia report, but it has shone a light on the meddling interference in our otherwise perfect democracy. Hopefully someone will now do something about it. And we can all drink to that! 'Nostrovia'!

CORVID-19 denies any allegation that this sketch was delayed due to political reasons. All sketches on matters of Russian influence in satire go through a rigorous security vetting and review process before they are published and this inevitably takes a while.

CorvidSketch Episode X: Super Saturday at the Westminster Arms

It's been a long lockdown. For many MPs it's difficult to tell whether their thirst was greater for a drink at the local pub or the adoration of small businesses in their constituency. If they were delivered ice cold and photographed for social media or the local paper so much the better.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was unable to down a yard of ale because the pub was booked up so settled for a half at the Ring O'Bells. Others took the super responsible, 'here's a pic of my pub lunch' approach. CSI Starmmer cradled a cheeky can of BrewDog's Barnard Castle Eye Test.

Others were less dignified. One can only assume that Liz Truss had one too many peach Bellini's at the Red Lion in Thetford when she found herself scaling a fence at the local Zoo and taking pictures with a camel.

Theresa May, popped by the Crown in Maidenhead to consume a whole bucket of ice, fuel for her cold hard stare every time she thinks Gove is chatting nonsense about the National Security Adviser.

Meanwhile Nigel Farage tweeted that he was first in line for the Queen's Head. Local media reported that pint-eager Nige queued overnight like Harry Potter fans not put off by Rowling's latest work, 'Harry Potter and the gender identity of doom'.

To prove he has what it takes to lead the Liberal Democrats, Ed Davey has written to the Home Secretary telling on Nigel for possibly breaking quarantine. In response, Mr Farage has politely told Mr Davey to go back to where he came from before yelling Make America Great Again and falling off his bar stool. Commentators also believe that Nigel Farage has acquired super powers allowing him to simultaneously appear in multiple pubs around the country while staying at home and appearing at a Trump rally in Tulsa.

Stanley Johnson had a similar idea, ordering an Ouzo at his local bar. He managed to get to Greece a week before his son's government advised that non-essential travel was ok again. Breaking Foreign Office guidance is not illegal so a fine is out of the question but perhaps he could consider resigning as the Prime Minister's father instead.

Back in England, turnout at the pubs was lower than expected as some MPs were doubtful of the wisdom of government guidelines. Presumably Caroline Lucas has her own stash of nettle beer and Diane Abbott a well-stocked gin cupboard. If only she could remember how many bottles there were.

What should we drink to? Ssscchhh Scchhtttaaayyyiiinnn Alerrrrrrrrrrrrrrt and Shaving Lives?

CorvidSketch Episode IX: The Return of the Beautiful Game

After a hiatus the action returns and we have all you need to know about this week's fun and games...

Marcus Rashford kicked off things, scoring an absolute blinder against Boz Johnson playing for Conservative dis-United. Johnson had hoped to sneak the ending of school meal vouchers over the holidays past players and commentators alike, until a superb tackle from Rashford forced an embarrassing U-turn. In the after match press conference, Johnson defended his decision saying he didn't know poor people could become famous. But fellow team mates expressed disappointment, pointing out that making kids go hungry during a pandemic was always going to be an own goal.

The Premier League made several symbolic gestures in support of those protesting racial injustice in the UK and North America. But not everyone agreed with the decision to put 'Black Lives Matter' on the back of players' shirts. "Of course black lives matter," insisted Priti Patel as she signed the deportation order for a gay Nigerian man who's asylum claim was rejected, "I just don't see why people need to go on about it". Players have also been allowed to take a knee during the opening of matches. Dominic Raab told a radio interviewer that he thought the whole thing was from Game of Thrones, presumably believing that Colin Kapaernick sacrificed his NFL career to protest the unjust treatment of Ned Stark.

Off the field, there has been controversy in the board room. The Department for International Development (DFID) saw a change in management during a hostile take-over by the Foreign and Commonwealth Office (FCO). Despite being an effective team, frequently coming top of league tables on government transparency and effectiveness, it is to be merged with the FCO. Former Conservative dis-United manager, David Cameron criticised the move and ex-DFID coach Andrew Mitchell described it as a 'quite extraordinary mistake'. But the government has remained resolute, arguing DFID has "been treated as a giant cash point in the sky". In unrelated news, the Prime Minister spent £900,000 painting the UK team colours onto Number-10's jet, presumably a good use of tax-payer's money drawn from the Cabinet Office's own cash point in the sky.

They hoped it wasn't over, it is now.

CorvidSketch: Episode VIII: You got problems? Join the queue!

"What the fuck am i doing here?" is probably what your local MP was thinking as they joined the socially distanced, 45 minute long queue to vote in the House of Commons last week. Jacob Rees-Mogg has brought them all back from staying home and saving lives to ensure that democracy is upheld and people vote in person rather than join the nation on zoom. They could vote digitally from home, rocking a classic pj/suit combo, but this won't do for Mogg. So back they come. Ironically to vote on whether they want to continue voting in person or not.

So while the world watched protests against racial injustice spread and nations continued to grapple with the nightmare of corona our politicians spent 45 being peak British. From the green leather covered Commons to the drafty echo chamber of Westminster Hall and out under the cloudy sky above New Palace Yard they lined up. Bemused protesters stared at them through the railings.

Where was your MP? Perhaps she was the one who fainted (true story). We don't know why? Was it due to an underlying health condition or the sheer ridiculousness of the situation?

Perhaps you have the member for Birmingham Yardley. You can imagine Jess Phillips yelling at the statue of Gladstone, "this is a disgrace"! Perhaps your MP is a little calmer, quietly sneaking out of the line for five minutes. Returning with a little snort and a wink. Were they doing snuff? We are sure it must be snuff. Maybe your MP was simply checking their phone and having a 2 meter apart chat over fishing policy.

I am sure even this simple task confused some of them. Bob Seeley might have been having a barbecue half way down the queue with his favourite journalists and cocktails. Mark Francois MP mis-interpreted the whole reason for queuing and joined the line clutching a ration book he'd made himself.

And at the far end there was complete confusion as the line of MPs waiting to vote collided with the socially distanced queue for Tesco's express outside Westminster tube. One of the local street cleaners ended up voting to support an amendment to continue digital business in the House and Lloyd Russell Moyle MP found himself with a packet of mini sausage rolls and a Fanta.

In the end the MPs carried out their vote a whole half an hour longer than normal. Unless of course they were one of the many MPs who were shielding due to health issues, pregnancy or concerned about being on public transport for 7 hours while travelling twice a week from the Highlands to London. Voting digitally like they have been doing in the past few weeks would of course solve this issue but no that's not what British democracy is about. Why have a fully inclusive 2 minute digital vote, when you could queue instead?

CorvidSketch Episode VII: Policy Cummings and Goings

The purpose of government is to create policies which hopefully make life easier for the population which they govern. Sometimes these policies are unpopular in which case the government makes speeches, writes articles and gives interviews to defend the policies. With the saga of Dominic Cumming's tour of the North a new model of politics has emerged: creating policy to defend the government...

It all began when Cummings drove a cow with bowel problems and an industrial fan up to Durham and then on to a beauty spot at Barnard Castle. This was despite him being the architect of the government's 'Stay at Home> Don't transport diarrhea-suffering cattle and heavy duty airflow technology > Save Lives' slogan.

At first there was the familiar story: politician looks like they've done something stupid, someone calls for their resignation, they give an explanation and everyone who likes them defends them in the hope it all goes away. But then the crafty bastards at the Mirror and Guardian decided to provide evidence that the explanations might have been, well, bullshit.

And then, said bull shit and those fans that Mr Cummings had been transporting collided in spectacular fashion. Surely he was going to resign now?

No came the answer and don't call me Shirley.

But a normal defence wasn't going to be enough, sure the Torries could just tell everyone he had acted properly but the people were not buying it. Even worse they were doing the unthinkable, writing to their MPs and demanding answers!

Something special was going to be needed to defend Dom. Then someone (was it Dom?) came up with a brilliant idea. What if we change policy so that Dom is always in the right, even if he wasn't?

Matt Hancock was up first. "Yes of course we'll look into reviewing all fines imposed under the lockdown laws". That's right, rather than sack one senior adviser for a rule breaking trip to a beauty spot, a cabinet minister was willing to change how the law was enforced for everyone, undoing probably the only thing the government has got right in it's response to COVID-19.

Next came Michael Gove, who being an ambitious fellow, tried to outdo Hancock by claiming that to test his eyesight he regularly gets in statistically the most lethal type of machine in the country and drive it around. Ooops i've just hit a pensioner, i guess i'll book myself an eye test. He was half way through the sentence when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and the man who stabbed Boris's first leadership attempt in the back thought, "nah this is low even for me".

While a large number of Conservative MPs have rightly expressed concerns at this approach or even called for Cummings to get going, there are fears that changing policy to defend the government might catch on. Mark Francois MP has been toying with idea of invading Germany just to make Boris look more Churchillian. [At this point I genuinely checked to see if Mark Francois was one of the 40+ Tory MP's who have criticised Cummings' behaviour, a quick google suggests he is not. This is what you get Francois, a joker who no-one's heard of and has only ten facebook likes cracking whimsy at your expense. HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT?!]

Hancock and Gove may have been recent advocates of the 'change policy to defend the government approach' but it is possible they were inspired by early pioneers. Andy Coulson is thought to have suggested changing licensing laws so David Cameron could leave his daughter at the pub again.

The Institute of Government is concerned that this could set a dangerous precedent for future governments. CSI Starmmer could reform the House of Commons to be more like a court room, giving him an unfair advantage at Prime Minister's Questions. And the Lib Dems could spend tax payer's money on testing and tracing Lib Dem MPs, just so the public remember they still exist.

It's hoped that this move is just a one off, but with Cummings not expected to leave his job for another 6 months, there is a long bullshit covered road ahead. A bit like the one to Barnard Castle

Episode VI: United in Confusion

When else has this country stood together against a tenacious foe? When else has neighbour stood by neighbour in defiance of those who would oppress them? No not VE Day but last week when the whole country was unified together, flying flags and having unsanctioned street parties, all to commemorate the spectacular self destruction of the government's lockdown advice.

The move on from Staying Home, Protecting the NHS and Saving Lives brought everyone together in bafflement, confusion and an industrial revolution in witty memes and gags at the government's expense. Staying Alert to the possibility of either a change in regulatory guidelines or a mild trip up, millions had gathered to watch the Prime Minister's recorded message to the nation. There was nervous apprehension as Boris began his address.

Then,

slowly,

a deep rumble could be heard.

Growing louder and louder, like a pork pie rolling down a snow covered mountain.

Confusion, anger and raised eyebrows across the living rooms, lounges and commuter journeys of Britain... until.... the cacophony became clear:

hahahahahahahahahaahhhahahahahah - pause - ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha - no wait seriously - hahaha - is he serious? hahahaha - wait you serious bruv?

And he was...

The twitterati leapt into the breach first as they always do, what did Staying Alert mean? Owen Jones went viral in less time than a pre-Castro Pontiac does 0-60mph. The public then joined the professionals and Jones was quickly outclassed by @Bethbabes96 in Billericay's meme of Boris's face on top of Captain Mannering's shoulders. @ScunthorpeDoug's karaoke hollering of Stayin' Alert to the tune of the Begee's classic surpassed this again. Primary schools classes were quick to point out that adding a rate of re-infection of 0.9 to total infections of around 200,000 was not going to equals a number between 1 and 5. Meanwhile Rachel Riley dived across the room for the nearest gin bottle.

The politicians were next. CSI Starmmer had an uphill struggle. He had been expecting to make a forensic deconstruction of the government's numbers on the amount of PPE in Huddersfield. Instead he walked in on a massacre of consistent messaging. Arterial bullshit was sprayed across the walls and liquid incompetence dripping off the ceiling. "I was going to have a polite, mild mannered conversation about how your statistics could be misinterpreted." he yelled across the deserted green benches of the House of Commons, "but you've balls it all up. Do i do the messaging, the colour change, the maths? What the fuck do you want from me?" Boris merely stared blankly at him. "I can't be a constructive opposition like this. I'll have to get bloody Jeremy back". Which was unnerving because Corbyn was sat behind him.

Elsewhere, numerous dependable champions abandoned the government's exploding ship. Government scientists distanced themselves from the guidelines, the Financial Times suggested we might have to go eco-friendly and Dominic Raab urged radio 4 listeners to ignore government advice and encouraged them all to go and visit Boris Johnson's family as long as we didn't count them or hire them as cleaners.

In entertainment news, Satan declared that Piers Morgan was no longer invited to his summer lava party after repeatedly engaging in something that critics are calling "journalism" and "scrutiny of the government".

Even Conservative MP, Mark Francois managed a practical joke at the government's expense. Jumping out of the bushes by the garden path to test the postwoman. "Stay Alert" he yelled as letters went everywhere, "careless talk costs lives".

Unnamed government sources suggest that they are hoping the rate of new mockery to start falling from mid-June and the laughter curve will flatten by the end of July as long as there is not another spike in stupidity from the government. Until then, they warned that the public would be sniggering at them quite a lot...

Personally I didn't think it was that bad... but what do i know. I'm just a satirist

CorvidSketch Episode V: Welcome to the World Baby Whatsit

Becoming Prime Minister, a divorce, a new mistress, making her a fiance, covid-19, intensive care and now a new child: Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas de Pefeffled Everywhere Churchill Ataturk Johnson. It's enough to take it out of a man. You can imagine him, after a long day of doing what Dom tells him, collapsing into his favourite armchair and savouring a glass of vintage claret. With Carrie asleep, Matt Hancock momentarily distracted and his blackberry hidden in a teapot, Boris has just enough time to open the last remaining presents welcoming baby Wilfred into the world.

A rather bulky present from Michael Gove. He had kindly bought the child a mini stab proof vest and a card, "It's reinforced on the back, in case you know what happens. Luke warm regards, Daddy's friend Michael"... hmmm.

Stars and stripes wrapping, who could this be from? Concerned that any delivery would have an impact on the great people at the US Postal service, Donald had sent a private jet over to RAF Northolt with a subscription to hustler magazine and a bottle of Dettol. "To baby Boris Jr, you'll know what to do, you have a great Dad, some say the second best in the whole world". Perhaps not mused Boris. At least he couldn't fuck up as bad as the Donald, in fatherhood or running the country.

Next a present for Boris, from Jacob Rees Mogg no less: a blazer with the words, 'vidi vici veni' stitched in gold thread followed by the number six in roman numerals. Child number six? That's what Jacob thinks, chuckled Boris mentally patting himself on the back. Jacob doesn't know what happened with the receptionist at the Hilton la Bongo Bongo. Or was it the hotel owner? He could never remember. God he missed the Foreign Office.

Oh this is nice, nappies for the baby, some relaxing bubble bath for Carrie and a celebratory bottle of Cognac for Boris. From Dom! Actual Dominic Cummings. Crikey that was unexpected, so thoughtful. Boris's phone buzzed, 'You were fucking shit at PMQs. I'm pulling you from the Marr interview'. Haha that's more like it, classic Dom.

Priti Patel next, a British citizenship test, "What fun" chuckled Boris, "Just like Odysseus testing the loyalty of Penelope so Pretty is testing little Wilfred's loyalty to Britannia." There was also a letter explaining that if Wilfred failed he would be deported to Turkey. I should really reign her in, Boris thought. He suspected that left unchecked she'd carry on deporting until it was just her left, sat in the Tower of London yelling at the ravens to detain themselves.

There were a few items left, a jar of courgette chutney from Corbyn, a copy of the European Convention on Human Rights from Kier and a box of face masks from Matt Hancock.

Bloody facemasks, so that's where they've all gone thought Boris.

"Someone should really do something about that... or at least address the nation about it"...